WOW! It's been a long time.....

Hi Everyone,
               It's been a long time.  Alot has happened since I have been here last.  I'm in a bad emotional place right now.  Just when I think I am conquerring (sp?) these beasts, these EDO's they knock me flat on my back.  I see them as growling wolves ready to devour me emotionally.  I thought when I turned 50 things would be different...NOT....I am so very tired of fighting these EDO's.  They are killing me....all I ask is that you please pray for me and please be there for my family.  I love you all!
                                                                       Pam

Counseling......is like picking a scab off of a long deep sore when you first start....

I have a wonderful counselor!  Her name is "Carrie".  She was my counselor way back in 1995 when I first entered the Iowa Lutheran Hospital Eating Disorder Unit for treatment of my depression,anorexia ,and bulimia.  Hard to believe that I was only "35" years old and a Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse.  Our kids were still in elementary school and jr. high.  WOW!  I had to be there each day @ Iowa Lutheran Hospital by 8:00 a.m.  That was weigh in time and vital signs were obtained.  It was a very long day .  We patients were there from 8:00 a,m. to 6:00p.m. each night .  All three meals were ate under supervision.  The very first day was one of the hardest days of my life.  I wanted to turn my car around and drive home and forget this entire rehab idea!!!  If I had, I would not be here on this earth today.  My EDO's would have killed me.  Over the years the Iowa Lutheran Hospital Eating Disorder Rehab program closed.  I lost track of Carrie up until the past month.  I am soooo glad I found her.  She helped me before and I know she can help me again.  Right now therapy is very painful.  A lot of painful issues are being addressed.  Thus the tears fall and basically I am a wreck right now...as Carrie said...when therapy first starts...it is at first very painful ....and that is indeed where I am at....very lost...very sad........it will get better...I must believe...   I will be a better, stronger person when I work through all of this garbage that is keeping me stuck in a painful cycle....I want to thank "Stacey" for being right here for me and lightening the load ....I love ya!!!                   Till next time my friends!     Love Pam

Will The Tears Ever Stop???

I apologize that for quite sometime I haven't been very positive at all.  I have done nothing but complain and I hate that.  I ate once today  and since Joe isn't home for supper tonight, there is no need to even bother with food.  I'm not hungry at all.  This heat takes away the appetite.  I am a mess.  So fragile...like an egg...I feel cracked.  Sometimes totally broken....totally useless.. I cry at the drop of a hat.  I do believe that I am going through menopause too.  I have isolated myself to the point I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to.  I hate it...I can't stand the feeling of my clothes on my skin.  My waist band feels way to tight.  I hate that!  Anything that is snug against my body I can not stand.  I am becoming a recluse.  I have my canine girls and Joe.  I do have the privilege and the happiness of watching baby "Cooper " while Jill and Shane work.  He is so full of life and zest!  He definitely is a gift from God!  He smiles and is trying to laugh now.  He is sooo cute , so very full of life.  I do thank God for my kids and grand kids.  I thank God for my husband and for loving me, faults and all.  I am pretty messed up.  All because I have these damned, horrid eating disorders.  I have even shut myself off from my church family and this is when I need God and my Church Family the very most.  How does one ever get over the fact that their mom chose another man over her 3 young kids?? Actually signed us over to our dad.  And you know what?  My dad, my wonderful dad , played the bad guy all of these years to protect us from that pain.  I Had NO IDEA ANY MOM WOULD HAVE THE GUTS TO ACTUALLY GIVE THEIR KIDS AWAY!!! And then walk away themselves with their lover....I am sorry, but that has scarred me for life.  I am sooo broken.  Then I try and over compensate with my kids .  Trying so hard to give them every thing even as adult kids...in the long wrong though I end up hurting everyone because my health is so broken , I can not follow through... I over commit myself.  My mind says ,"OH YES! I WILL DO THAT! I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU!"  When in reality my body is breaking down, piece by piece...one of these days, these chest pains will not be a fluke, they will be real.  I at least have a life insurance policy to cover burial expenses and maybe a little more. ...I am starting my bucket list for real ....I must stop for now...I love you guys who are my friends and don't judge me for being such a mess...  some day I am going to post something happy and positive!  :)  Stay cool!

Tough Love

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding , wonderful, awesome privileges that God can bless us with.  It is also one of the most heart breaking, scary, gut retching job at times.  Joe and I have been married "31" years.  I am very blessed to be married with a man who understand me for who I am.  Anorexic, Bulimic, Depression, and all.  He has educated himself over the years to try and understand these complex diseases.  And as far as our parenting goes, we learned quickly to hold the united front when it comes to raising our children.  We parent together.  We learned not to let any of our children try and play one parent over the other.  Even though our kids are grown up we still hold the "United Front".  Right now we have a "27" year old son who has a Traumatic Brain Injury.  He will be "28" July 12th.   First, it's a miracle that he is alive after his assault.  But with his recovery back to learning to live and find himself, he has chose to go down paths of destruction.   He chose to quit taking all of his daily meds and start using street drugs plus return to drinking heavily.  In order to save this child from himself  we had to first have him arrested, then second, admit him into a dual diagnosis treatment center.  He is currently one angry young man, who thinks that the world owes him!  He blames every one else for his current situation.  He is angry at Joe.  He is angry at me. He hates the world and blames everyone but himself.  He is demanded that "We" get him out of rehab ASAP.  He is caught in this grandiose idea that he is above EVERYONE!!!  He is demanding and disrespectful to the staff in this rehab and to Joe and I.  We were going take 4 days and go see Tony, plus take his favorite cake and celebrate his birth early.  He of course is calling all of the shots.  He holds so much anger!  He is working so hard at trying to get out of this rehab that he isn't concentrating on getting well and working the program.  So Joe and I have made the tough decision to pull the rug out from under Tony.   We have made the very difficult choice NOT to travel 7 hrs. to see him right now.  He thinks he is above all of us and the world owes him.  We need to get his attention!  He needs to find God and find  purpose in his life.  I even had Joe buy me the book " Praying For Your Adult Child".   We are praying that God will help our son, intervene and help Tony.  Save him from himself.  It breaks my heart to do this "Tough Love" thing.  I hate it.  It hurts Joe and I more than Tony will ever be able to understand.  Please pray for our son and this situation.   Stress makes my EDO's go wildly out of control...on the positive side...I have made an appointment to see my counselor next Friday.   God please guide me and my family!   Thanks for listening everyone!  Love Pam

Fifty,Fat,Female, Frumpy!

Where do I begin???  I just ate a half a bag of vanilla wafer sugar cookies!  Since I have turned "50" my emotions have been all over the place! I don't even want to get dressed unless I absolutely have to.  I'm sad because I am grieving the loss of Sadie our beloved black lab.  Damn , I hate the fact I was the one who had to have her put to sleep.  She looked at me with those beautiful brown sad suffering eyes, man, I hate it!  I love my canine girls so very much.  I keep asking my self what I could have done to help Sadie.  She was 13 and she was so nervous and eating all that dry wall and inhaling all of that dust was not good.  She laid on the floor and was suffering.  And then I have a kid in a Rehab hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma who is angry at the world and who does he take it all out on?   I told him tonight not to yell at me or cuss at me.  I loved him and I was only calling to see how he was doing.  I know it must be very hard to be where he is at, I just pray that the Good Lord can reach his heart and his soul.  He really is a good kid, a good person, he just has lost his way.  Some days I feel like I have lost my way.  I have felt this way this week.   Stuck in a rut.  I want to live the last half of my life and really suck every breath of air each day to it's fullest if that makes any sense at all.  The higher the stress in my life the more I see food as my enemy.  Then I find I am so hungry too.  I try to starve myself, but I have found that the older I have become the harder it is because I get sick.  Very light headed to the point of fainting.  I figured up my BMI on a site off the net.  A women my age with my wt. and my ht. should weigh more than I do.  In my mind I see this 300 pound women in the mirror.  I try and exercise every chance I can , even if it's leg lifts while doing the dishes.  Anything to burn calories.  I drink tons of diet drinks and water.  Trying to purge away the fat when in reality I am in fact trying to purge my mind of all the negative thoughts I have and all the sad memories that keep popping up in my head.  Well I must stop for now.  I feel so incredibly "FAT" tonight it sickens me!  I know as they say in treatment, "FAT IS NOT A FEELING!"  and "FOOD IS YOUR MEDICINE!"  My canine kids are beckoning me!!!  Talk to you all soon!   Love Pam

Female,Fifty, and Fat

Well,I am the big "50"now.  I am having very ambivalent feelings about this entire age thing.  Not that I can do one darn thing about it.  I really thought that turning fifty would change things with the way I felt about my body image.  But it didn't.  I wished that I didn't give a crap about my body size and really started enjoying my life, the last half of it any way.  I have stewed for years ,decades about how much weight I can lose or gain.  I am so freaking sick of doing that!  Your guess is as good as mine on why I can't let it go.  Hell, I am defective!  Aren't we all defective in some capacity?  I think we are and it is up to each one of us on how we deal with our own imperfections.  Did I mention how I had a nurse say to me, "I sure wish I was anorexia and was as thin as you!"  My first thought was , "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?"  Hell, I wouldn't wish these eating disorders on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  Do they know that anorexia and bulimia are one of the most deadliest mental diseases a person could be diagnosed with?  They clearly do not know that!   Sorry that I have typed  a "whole lot of nothing" this time around. I have a little schnauzer needing my attention, and this little girl makes me happy!
Talk to you all soon!   Love you all!  Pam

Nothing Like A Brisk Walk To Get The Endorphins Pumping

Just went on a brisk walk with my hubby and Miss Gracie!  Love it! Walking can help make the blues go "away" even if only temporarily.  I have been sad lately...struggling with my eating disorders and life in general.  I turn "50" in eleven days.  I am having mixed emotions about this turning point in my life.  I usually do become very depressed around this time of year!  Because my birthday represents the day that my world changed for ever and started the cruel beginning of  me fighting anorexia and bulimia...You would think that time...years...would make this wound go away...no such luck!  How am I going to react this year???  God only knows...