Sorry I Havent' Been On For Awhile...Fighting These EDO's Takes Alot Out Of Me!

Well Christmas will soon be up on us.  Holiday baking...which I don't do..but my wonderful husband does, bless his heart.  I pace my self .  There are rules...rules set by me about my holiday eating and rules about what I can eat when we are out and about on a shopping trip for the holidays.  Last Friday, December 10th, Joe, Jill, and I all went Christmas Shopping!  We started by eating out at Village Inn.  I kept it farely safe and ordered my usual.  That is a Garden Salad, a half of a turkey sandwich ,and my choice of pie.  I have to have something sweet after I eat. I allow myself that once a day. Because generally that is all I eat , is one meal a day. 

Then off we went on our shopping spree..trying to make a dent into our shopping lists!  Then coffee time rolled around.  All three of us are coffee lovers, especially Starbucks!!!  So Joe and I ordered the largest Eggnog latte we could and Jill, since she is pregnant, stuck with a strawberry smoothie.  I was calculating up in my mind the calories in that sucker...and I definitely went over my quota of calories...THAT WAS IT...NO MORE FOOD INTAKE FOR ME!!! I felt like a muffin top...you know where the body , tummy rolls, rise over the top of your pants..I hate it! I hate it !  I hate it!  I figured though with all the walking we were doing the calories would even out .  Then supper time rolled around. It was 7:00 p.m. My daughter is pregnant, she needed to eat and so did my husband.  But in my mind...NO WAY!  The fear rose up in side of me..My daughter is very sensitive and very moody right now.  She has lived with her "mom" having EDO's all of her life, since she could understand what they actually are.  But there are days, my EDO's, wear and tear at my loved ones and they get angry at me for NOT EATING!!! 

Stopping at a fast food joint just scared the living hell out of me!!! It was after 6:00 p.m. and I read in a magazine , a health magazine promoting thinness, stated that anything consumed after 6:00p.m. at night would most likely be calories that would go to fat!  Well with my warped thinking on my own body fat and living with EDO's I took it personally so I basically live by that rule, that statement!  When we had to stop to eat a second time which is normal for normal people, I broke down in tears when my daughter did not understand my fear of eating that second meal of the day out .  Fast foods are especially terrifying for me.  Once in a blue moon I will cave and allow myself to eat fast food, but rarely.   This put a damper on what was a wonderful trip out shopping with my daughter and husband. 

Yes, EDO's are selfish! I hate them...I live with them every single day of my life and they are not going away.  You would think that since I am crowding 50, I should care less about my weight.  It's how I grew up..It's how I lived through a lot of horrible pain as a child at the age of 7 when one of the most horrific events of my life occurred, but of all days, it happened on my birthday!!!  Damn!  Of all days, why on my 7th birthday.  A time I was foot loose, fancy free, not a care in the world, as every child should grow up and feel, safe, secure and enjoying their childhood. 

Things are better between my daughter and I.  She just told me she hates my EDO's and I told her I DO TOO!  My husband is so understanding.  There was no pressure from me for not eating that second meal that day.. I love ya Joe... Thank You!  And Thank You God For Giving Me Such An Understanding Husband!

I love my kids and I love my husband...I have a good life!!!   Ok, must run for now!! I love ya all!
                                                                                          God Bless!
                                                                                            PKS

I Am So Blessed To Have My Canine Kids Too.....They Love Me..Regardless

I made the mistake today and hopped on the o'l scale..figured with two days of starvation or barely eating my weight would be down some..in my mind..in order for me to eat and indulge in eating out at a restaurant with my husband Joe, this Thursday, "I MUST DROP AT LEAST 5 POUNDS!!!  More if at all humanly possible.  I had a physical spell come one that made me quite ill earlier this evening..Thought I was really going to hurl and I became really diaphoretic, pain in my upper abdomen radiating into my back between my shoulder blades...it was horrendous...it could be though that I was having withdrawal signs and symptoms from being off of my Zoloft for almost three days.  I took a dose the minute Joe brought my prescription into the house.  I took some "Phenergan" for the nausea and grabbed some diet Sierrha Mist trying to make this feeling go away.. No way was I able to eat anything so restricting was not difficult. 

You know, one thing with loving animals, God's furry blessings, is that they truly love you for you and it is a love that is unconditionally ,"NO MATTER WHAT!"  They are empathetic with us when I am sad.  They follow me in a pack.  The little two, "Gracie and Ginger" , are under my feet, where ever I go, there they are.  When I am crying they look at me with those big brown concerned eyes...they hate it when mom cries...They don't condemn me or care what I look like.  They love me for "ME!"  God's furry little Angels...years ago when I was in an EDO Rehab facility in Omaha , Nebraska Joe brought , Tony, Jill, and Benny, my little Schnauzer over to visit.  He rode in the mini-van like a champ, no problems at all and he was so very anxious to see me, just as my family was.  And he was such great therapy for me!!!  Benny died back in 2004 of complications of Diabetes.  That broke my heart that day... we had gotten Benny from an animal shelter.  He was so thankful that we chose him to be his for-ever home.  Yes, I truly believe that God works through animals right along with people... Our canine girls are very smart...and they watch the clock.  They know exactly when it is potty time, bless their hearts.  They know when it is meal time and treat time.  They know what time to go out at night for their "bedtime" potty time.  They have an iced oatmeal cookie right before they all go to bed.  I know I allow my little and large friends (my canine kids) to enable me.  Because they love to eat!  And I love to share.  Not a problem for a person with EDO's. 
There are just certain foods that are toxic to the girls.  I've learned alot over the years.  Ask your vet, but chocolate is poisonous to dogs.  Pointsetta plants, Macadamian Nuts, Pennies and Coins, very toxic, antifreeze too.  I am very careful what I feed them or share with them. 
I was busy enough today making many necessary phone calls for Tony's benefit with his physician's and health team.  It's was quite time consuming but I didn't mind.  It kept my mind off of food, being hungry,my weight and how obese I feel I am...
I'm surrounded not only by God's love, but by canine love , all around me...they love me for me...no matter what!   Sleep tight everyone...God love's you...and so do I...:)

                                                                                      Pam       

Sleeping Off The Hunger Pains......If Only The Fear Was Not So Great.....

I am near tears I am so freaking hungry....but you see..I ate once today..I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a piece of strawberry-rhubarb pie and a glass of milk...can't forget my coffee.. that is all I have had to day and I am scared to death that if I eat any more that it will all turn to fat!  Hell, I am almost 50 years old and things sag!!! Yes...things sag..my boobs are already sagging.  I carried 3 children to full term....that saggy skin around my waist is there forever..it's not going anywhere Pam...get over it.  The chicken neck...well get over that too.  Grow old gracefully... I am very emotional right now.. talked to my dad this afternoon.  I love my dad.. he doesn't really understand my EDO's but he has always tried.  He reads up on  them, he watches news specials about "Anorexia and Bulimia".  Then he tells me what it is he is learning or has learned.  He doesn't condemn me for it, he never has.  He doesn't argue with me or try and talk me out of having EDO's by just simply saying, "Eat Pam" .  What he doesn't understand he doesn't condemn me for, bless his heart.  I have the greatest dad in the entire world.  Back in the 60's it was unheard of for the dad's to raise their kids alone without their wifes, for kids to grow up with out their mom around 24-7.  Ya...I have the best dad ever and I told him today , just how proud I am of him.  I know he loves all of his kids...and he sure misses my brother "Chris".  It's our first year with out Chris...I know I have mentioned that before in another blog.  I'm a talker...one thing I am good at.  I have been known to open my mouth and insert my foot clear up to my eyeballs....but that is another blog all in its self.....LOL...See...I crack myself up sometimes..and that is ok!  I'm sure , yes positive that God wants us to laugh at ourselves, with ourselves, with others...:)  This has helped me considerably to blog...to get my mind off of wrong thoughts...Someday I am going to truly love me for me...not giving a damn about how much I weigh or how much I eat...God Show Me The Way Please...
OK!!! It's Potty Time for 4 beautiful "canine kids" then this o'l women can go to sleep and sleep away the hunger...I know it's not normal...it's a choice I'm making because I am sooo fearful to eat.  I pray someday I will figure it out...Goodnight everyone...if you are reading this..I am grateful!  Talk to you soon!

                                                                                               PKS

What Was I Thinking..????? The Problem Is I Don't ....

Nerves a mess, can't concentrate, can't sit still, the one thing I am good at is "sleeping"...Oh Ya!!!  As long as all is well with Tony and he is settled for the night..I can easily sleep 12hrs. ,but generally Tony wakes me with a happy greeting, "Mama! Time To Get Up & I Have Made Fresh Coffee!"  Makes me happy, yet so sad to see our youngest son, go through various stages of ages, due to his brain injury...Tony has really regressed the past month or so...almost like a 5 year old child...very insecure at times, but easily reassured just knowing that his mom and dad are here to keep his world safe and knowing that he is loved unconditionally...You see, when Tony was assaulted, he was left for dead.  It is a miracle that he survived at all.  God gave us our son back.  You see we just don't have children until they are 18 and officially an adult...when we decide to have children, it is like my vows to my husband, "till death to us part".  No, it hasn't been easy..the road to recover with Tony. It turned our entire world upside down when he was assaulted.  He had to learn to do everything all over again.  And I do mean everything...all except his hygiene and using the bathroom...he was always picky about his looks, and being clean, and he didn't forget how to do all of that!  You see caring for Tony is a 24-7 job..He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his assault..everyday is a new day of remembering some  small piece of that horrible day....Please don't get me wrong..Joe and I don't mind taking care of our son, or any of our kids for that part.. We love them....I'll tell you more about our son and what it's like to live with a child who has suffered a Brain Injury. 

What was I thinking....??? I've been an emotional mess lately..trying to juggle my college classes, Joe's upcoming biopsy/removal of his lymph nodes..scares the hell out of me...don't know what I would do with out my Joe...with increased stress...my EDO's really are hard on me...some people eat when the stress level is up in their lives...not me...I can't eat....better yet...I DON'T EAT!  And I am on an antidepressent to balance the hormones that are out of whack....and guess who forgot to have that med refilled??? But of course....yours truly...I will probably be a babbling, bawling, crazed anorexic, bulimic, mess by Monday. 
I wasn't thinking...not until I found that I was totally out of Zoloft!  I've been on Prozac, it helped, but it gave me the tremors and when you are trying to start IV's on an infant or child you need a steady hand,  I tried Paxil....did not help, then Cymbalta and even Lithium, both worked but my liver couldn't tolerate them. I strongly recommend Cymbalta for anyone who is depressed and has all over body aches....this med is a wonder drug..but my liver couldn't handle it...so Zoloft it is and Clonazepam for anxiety and what they call "Nocturnal Myoclonus " or muscle twitching during your sleep...it did resolve that...They tried to put me on Zyprexa , but I'm not dumb!!! They use that for many uses, but one is for Anorexia! Duh! Did my Dr. think that I wouldn't do my research on that drug???  For anorexics it increases your appetite, like a horse! I told them NO WAY!!!  You know I was even approached to do a Marijuanna(Pot) sorry if I spelled that wrong,  but a study where I would use pot to boost my appetite...It would be all legal...Of course I refused! Smoke pot to make me eat!  That is crazy!!! LOL...well I have rambled and rambled and rambled ....I'll be back..pray I don't get to emotional being off my meds for a few days...My husband is so wonderful and so very understanding!  Talk to you all soon!   

                                                                                                     PKS

The Cloud Of Depression Will Not Leave, So You Must Leave It!

I very easily could have stayed in my pj's and hybernated from life the past few days, especially over Thanksgiving.  I didn't want to be seen by anyone at all.  My emotions were to unstable.  So unstable that I cry at the drop of a hat...I hadn't eaten one morsel of food yesterday until Joe got home from work..My fear level was to high to even consider eating..That is sooo "not right" .....who is afraid to eat!?  People who are afraid to gain weight ..and the cycle goes round and round and round.  I couldn't even step on the scale today..the fear of any wt. gain would have pushed me mentally over the edge. The best time to weigh yourself is first thing in the am when you first get up.  That is why when I was in hospital the staff always would come in and weigh us with just a hospital gown on...No under panties...t-shirt....nothing...but that sad hospital gown.  Usually it was @ 5:30 a.m. every day until your wt. was up to a certain level then it was every other morning.  I pray I never have to go back into treatment...I'm to old for this insanity!   I always thought that when I got older, these thoughts and worries of becoming fat would just disappear, go away, sail away, and go WHERE PAM!?  DUH!  Like a light switch, just flip it.  If only it was that easy!!! If only...
Joe was able to help me eat a sandwich and a piece of his birthday cake last night for supper...I cried before I ate because I was terrified... That is Crazy! Who cries because they are afraid to eat..  Joe knows how hard this disease is on me and our family.  It affects everyone.  I literally forced myself to go into town to see what all CROSS MINISTRIES had on sale.  Everything 20 bucks and under was 1/2 off, so I made out with some great buys.  Can't go wrong there.  I put on this fake smile, hugged the people I knew, and acted like all was "fine" in my world.  When in all reality I felt lost, alone, and defeated....my motto,"Fake it until you make it."  I was able to choke down a sandwich and piece of cake....this time..tears weren't streaming down the side of my face.  Lord help me please to find my way back....I need you...My family needs me... I will get up tomorrow get dressed, put my make-up on and walk from out under this cloud , God will be guiding me everystep of the way...For those of you who read my blog...thank you so much..sharing is very healing to my soul...I don't feel so trapped inside myself, if that makes any sense at all.  I love ya and Godbless ya..should ya ever need to talk about your stuff, I am here to listen, to care, to, to send hugs and prayers your way... because sooner or later we all have these dark clouds that hover over our heads...God will make those clouds disappear!   Talk to you all soon!!!
                                                                                                              PKS   :)

Relapse.......Spiraling down hill....a place I don't want to go

I opened this blog with the intent for my mess, my pain with my Eating Disorders, Anorexia & Bulimia, to help it be my message...my message to help some one else why may be fighting the same battle as I am...I didn't see this relapse coming ...oh I had little hints of it returning...but never thought I would go full blown in to total relapse wher food is my enemy....Yesterday was a day full of food and family and even my husband's birthday.  He had to work..which made missing  the family get together easier to miss.  Tony was having an off day too, with his anxiety and his mood swings...one minute a child, the next a teen...Tony needed me to be at home....I am rationalizing this of course for my excuse not to be around so much food!!! Yes my full blown fear of food and getting fat has returned with avengence...I can't stand to wear anything that is binding around my waist, it increases my thought of how obese I am, in reality I am not...Damn! Those mirrors...I see a hidious , old , fat women with a double chin and grosely over wt.   Thus the "gliche" my psychiatrist is telling me about...with my thinking.  If this "gliche" was something that could be surgically removed, I would be the first one on that OR table to remove this horrible,slowly dying disease.  With the anticipation of eating any food at all yesterday I did take pseudoephedrine and chromium to suppress my appetite.  Infact I doubled the doses.. I even took laxatives so that any amount of food I consumed would purge right on through me.  I drank tons of coffee too.  I should have done so many things yesterday ,but I was trapped in my own fears.
And that damn dark cloud of depression was right over my head..  I may appear normal on the outside, but on the inside, I am slowly dying a little each day when my EDO's are in control.. I can't escape my self...there is no where to hide from myself.......Oh Lord, help me before it is to late....Sorry about the darkness today ...if anyone else out there is dealing with their own issues....I am here and I am a great listener...most of the time. :)   Talk to you later.....Love and God Bless....
                                                                                                PKS

The Fear Of Food Is Horribly Overwhelming.....

I tremble with fear just thinking about the big gathering tomorrow with all of that food...I have memories from my childhood pop up that I have blocked for years, since age 7, that keep coming up..out of the blue..I feel horrific pain related to my past...all brought on by the holidays which were a very happy time up until I turned 7.  I know my siblings were horribly affected too, as well as my dad.  My brother ,Chris, won't have to face his demons this year.  This is our first Thanksgiving with out Chris..he was way to young to die.  You see..Chris had the opposite Eating Disorder than me.. he was a binge eater with out purging, and he hit his highest wt. at 500 pounds...I know the emotional pain he was in...Food was comforting for him...where I am the flip side...It scares the hell out of me.....I thought surely , as I got older, that my EDO's would just "Go Away!"  That was just wishful thinking...if anything it has intensified.  Here it is 2:50 .m. and I haven't allowed myself to eat one thing today so far.  You see my husband, whom I love more than life its self, got up bright and early this moring and made more pies and a chocolate cake.  He is sooo good in the kitchen.  Me...I steer clear of the kitchen... Joe is a great cook and loves to bake and cook .. It's his way of relaxing...he loves to cook and bake for others... where I can cook and I always saw to it that my children ate healthy meals...I seldom sat down and ate with them , looking back..if I did , it was one meal a day.                            My husband and our daughter both have to work tomorrow. :(  My husband makes it easier for me to go to festivities with family and food.  Tomorrow will be hard.  Of course he will be able to stop in and try and have a quick bite , providing that there are not any Deputy calls at that particular time. Our oldest son and family will be there and maybe our youngest son.. .  As I have said this before, "I Wouldn't Wish EDO's of any kind on anyone... Love you guys and may be back later on today or tonight...
                                                                     Love and Godbless!

                                                                                PKS