I Thought The Older I Became, The Easier My Eating Disorders Would Be To Beat!

Oh Lord Please Help Me!  I am losing strength.  I am growing weary.  You know the real reason I where jammies so much?  It is because they are flannel and they keep me warm. Plus they are loose and do not bind!  I CAN NOT STAND ANY THING touching my waist that is to snug.  If my clothes are form fitting I feel fat and ugly.  If they are to baggy I feel fat and ugly.  I feel the best in my jammies!  So silly but it's real, very real to me.  When I am in my blue jeans and I am having a bad EDO day I can NOT stand to feel that "muffin" top of blubber flowing over my jeans!!!  I despise it.  I know that this is crazy talk and I really shouldn't give a flying rip about my size, about my weight!  I  have noticed it is harder to take the pounds off now that I am older than when I was younger.  The metabolism has slowed down!  Everything has slowed down.  I do not have the strength or the stamina to keep up with a strenuous exercise regimen , it just drains the life out of me.   I question my purpose at times.  I am having a sad day today.  I really don't know why.  I am sooo blessed with a wonderful husband who would give me the world and does so much for me.  I have beautiful children and three beautiful grandbabies!  I am troubled right now by our youngest son, Tony's ,actions and choices that he is making.  They are not GOOD decisions by any means and he is hanging out with the wrong crowd of people.  He came home earlier in the week very drunk but at least had the common sense to call Joe and I to come and get him as he was so very intoxicated he could not drive.  When Tony drink hard liquor he is a "mean drunk" and I mean, cruel.  So verbally cruel.  It takes me back to when I was a little girl and my step dad would come home very , very intoxicated and mean.  Mean to the point we would have to hide!  My mom would pack me up and we had to hide out for at least 24hrs. because my step dad was a dangerous mean ass drunk.  That fear bubbles up inside of me when my own son acts in this manner.  I become this frightened little girl !  And Dammit! I am a grown women and this is my child ! I should not allow him to make me feel this way!!!  What do I do though? He has a Traumatic Brain Injury to boot and he would end up in jail.  I just do not think he would survive in the penal system.  But his latest actions show me and Joe that he very well could end up right in the middle of it!  This could be one possible reason I feel so blue today... Lord help me never give up!  Sorry to be on such a downer lately my friends!  I love you all and will talk to you soon!     Pam

Pushed Beyond My Physical Limits, Close to Collapsing

I received a major wake up call last night, actually yesterday afternoon/evening.  I truly thought I was going to die!! I have never been so scared as I was last night.  I knew it was from mere exhaustion after being up for over 24 hrs. while we supported our daughter and her husband bring their new baby boy into this world!!!  I did give up pseudoephedrine and laxatives.  But I slipped with not eating and pushing myself to be there for our daughter through every contraction clear up to delivery time.  Jill "for well over 17 1/2 hours.  She was such a trooper!  She did really good.  Very few profanities at all!  :)  She would just say ,"Ohhhhhhhh..Oweeee'' this hurts so bad! Please make this pain stop! "  As a mom and dad watching their own baby girl go through such horrific pain was quite difficult.  As parents we want to take our kid's pain away!  We don't want them to suffer!  But this was a natural process of life.  She was up and down and up and down, which required unplugging the baby monitors and IV and getting Jill up and into the bathroom.  She had the urge to void and have a bowel movement all due to the pressure of little "Cooper" attempting to make his way into this world.  Then she got very nauseated and she started to throw up.  My heart hurt for her!  I wanted to make everthing all better, but I couldn't.  I and Joe and Shane's parent's, Donna and Bret , all were exhausted too since no one had slept .  We all were drinking coffee, diet pepsi, tea, ect. anything to keep going.  Then around 3:00p.m.when things started to calm down I could feel the life start to go out of my own body.  By the time we said our good-byes ,hugs, kisses, and cuddles done with the new family , Joe and I headed for home.  Then while in the van, I got really sick!!! Nauseated, chest pain, sweaty,clammy, head pounding... I had to lay on my side in the front seat of the van.  I knew my body needed fuel of some kind. I waited a little to long and had Joe stop at the DQ in Indianola. I was so weak I could not stand up and almost fainted so I sit in the van while Joe went in and bought me a blizzard and him a shake.  I took my meds for pain and nausea and felt worse.  I could only down 1/4 of the Blizzard.  I really thought I was going to die..I started to bargain with God to please "don't take me today Lord".  I told Joe that I felt really bad. So he got me home and I went straight to bed.  He told me that I was pushing myself to hard and not taking care of myself.  He told me that , "I would NOT be going up to see Cooper ,Jill, and Shane tomorrow."  He told me that he was going to care of me and do everything he can to keep me from "dying." That is how scared he was.  I was scared.  I may not be going to see my new little family today in order to take care of myself.  I am not well, I am a fragile flower, tat is wilted and don't know if I can snap out of this.  I will be seeing my Dr. next week and even may go to the ER sooner if I need to.  I am to young to die.  Don't give up on me God!  Pam! Don't give up your fight to live!!! You have to much to live for.  I am getting really tired now...I have been up since 4:15 a.m. I had to get up with Gracie and the rest of the girls so Joe can sleep in and get some much needed rest. I will be taking care of me to day...hell that sounds so selfish.....Hugs and Kisses To All Of You!
                                                             Pam

Struggling TodayI

I wish for one moment of the day I didn't care how much I weigh or exactly how many calories each morsel of food has in it.  I am barely eating today and I am guilty of taking laxatives last night to purge out all of the garbage I devoured yesterday.  I am paying for it today because of the nausea and chest pain I have been having.  I laid down and I took a 2 hour nap.  Some times it is so much easier to sleep the hunger pains away and then sometimes the chest pains go away too.  I am feeling a little bit worthless today.  Sad I didn't make it to an Easter Service somewhere.  Easter Sundays = an abundance of food = an abundance of people.  The two go hand in hand.  I know the true meaning of Easter, the celebration of Christ Rising!  He Lives!  I wish and I pray that I can let go, let go of the depression and EDO's before it is to late.  I seriously could go back to bed right this minute and sleep the day away and not get up until tomorrow...but I can't...my son and our canine girls they are counting on me.  Plus I have a hard working husband who will be home for supper who deserves something decent to eat.  Time to get of my pity pot and get busy.......Take care everyone.....PKS

Chest Pain....Is it real???

I started having chest pain off and on all day today.  It is worse with any exertion.  Not so many palpitations as the chest tightness that radiates up into my throat and jaw.  Will I be doing the wrong thing if I go to the ER?  I feel tired is the only other thing.  What on earth is my problem.  I did make it to Easter Dinner with my mom and dad and sister, Cindy.  Plus all of our families.  It was a huge,nice gathering. It's so strange that now my mom and dad are together at almost every event.  I really didn't want to go with out my husband , Joe, who is working today.  There is a lot of B& E's happening throughout the county. (Breaking & Entering)  Some one or maybe even a few are breaking in to people's homes and taking their guns and also new baby calves straight from the pastures.  What is wrong with people?  I don't understand at all.  Calves are going for very high market prices at the sale barns.  As for the guns, don't know what that is all about.  The first thing I think of is drug involvement of some kind.  People who own guns and have many calves or who's cows are calving at this particular time .  It is the season of baby calves.  People need to be
 vigolent (sp?) about watching for strange vehicles and strange people in general.  Sorry , I got off the topic of me having chest pain.  If I set and do absolutely nothing then I do not experience the pain as bad.  The words of Dr. Richard's keep blaring in my ears....You Will Die Of A Heart Attack!  You have cheated death more than you have had a right to.  You have missed the bullet to many times to count.  I don't want to die.  I'm not ready to die...I don't know whether I should take these pains seriously or not.  I know the routine.  It would mean hospitalization and drawing of blood every 6-8 hours!  I Do NOT want to go through that again.  I have seen the inside of hospitals more times than I ever care to remember.  I haven't had any pseudoephedrine or laxatives since Friday.  All of that should be out of my system by now!!! Or so you would think! Right???  Well I must run for now....Pam

My Psychiatrist Was Brutally Honest Today, That's What Makes Him A Great Dr.

Well finally I made it to see Dr. L . Scott Richards, my Psychiatrist.  I thought of so many reasons why I could miss this appointment today; because I honestly did not want to hear what he had to say.  Like I said he is very brutally honest.  Joe was able to go with me today and that is always nice.  Joe knows Dr. Richard's as my husband and also as a Deputy Sheriff.  I am struggling very bad with my EDO's.  And I hate the word,"PRACTICING", because to me practicing is like playing the piano or getting ready to compete in something. But in the EDO world the professionals say any EDO behaviors is "practicing."  And when I was asked my list of questions today and I was asked if I was practicing, I was honest.  I am out of control as far as my EDO's .  I am heavily practicing for fear of gaining wt.  I am using pseudoephedrine, chromium, and laxatives.  The first two give me much needed energy and suppress my appetite. Laxatives just purge the colon of nutrients and can cause an electrolyte imbalance.  When asked if I have been having chest pain or palpitations I was honest again. "Yes", I have been.  I can usually ignore them and they pass.  Other times I must lay down and try and sleep them off.

Today I was told that , "I Will Die!" If I do NOT STOP the use of pseudoephedrine and laxatives.  I will have a major heart attack and most likely die.  Dr. Richards asked Joe if he had life insurance on me.  Joe answered yes of course.  Silly as it may seem to others, it makes sense to me! I don't have time to go into a treatment facility at this time in my life.  I have a new grand baby on the way and a son who counts on both Joe and I. 

I don't want to die.  I have to much to live for.  I know what I need to do.  I must surrender all of my laxatives and pseudoephedrine and give them to Joe to dispose of.  I must do every thing I can to stay a live. I must realize that being thin is not worth dying for.  Lord please help me overcome these deadly EDO's and stop the depression that follow them.  I can't do this on my own.  I am so very blessed that I have a husband who loves me and who understands me and my illnesses.  He has done his homework by reading up on them and finding as much information as possible to educate himself.  Plus he keeps in touch with my physicians and treatment team.  Please pray for me my friends.  I will not die without a fight.  I plan to call a counselor next week so that I can get in and work through the things that are keeping me stuck in this EDO world.   Talk to you all soon!  Love and God Bless!
                                                                                Pam

I'm Really, Really Tired With A Lot Of Ambivalent Feelings

It was a very long night last night...sitting up with our son, "Tony".  He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his assault he suffered in 2006 while attending the Iowa State Fair.  Innocently walking out of the Varied Industries Building he was jumped by a group of African American Gang.  The intent of the gang was to actually "kill" Tony.  They literally did.  He was dead at the scene and was rescuscitated by the EMS team and Trauma Team @ Mercy Hospital.  Then when the gang realized he was still alive death threats started coming in on Tony's life.   You know I dropped 15-20 pounds during that 6 week hospitalization of our son's.  It not only changed Tony's life forever , it also changed our entire family's lives.........Each and everyone of us cope with life and its stressors in different ways.  With high stress in my life my stomach becomes twisted in to knots.  Nausea and puking are not far behind if it is tremendous stress.  Food becomes my enemy.  I am repulsed at the thought of food.  I can drink fluids pretty good without much problems , I live on fluids that are full of caffeine and are diet.  Those are safe for me....Lately Diet Peach Snapple Tea is my favorite.  I go through spurts.  When I get tired of this drink I'll find another diet drink that is "safe".   Sorry, I got of track and started rambling about my EDO hang ups.  Since last night was a late, late, night I did not eat all day.   When I first wake up I have to drink my coffee, two cups, and my gateraide "G2" which is the low calorie gateraide.  Again those are "safe" for me.   I can eat in a few hours generally after I get up.  But since today was thrown off completely I didn't eat lunch at all.  I just took more pseudoephedrine and my diet snapple.  I had to have Tony in Des Moines by 2:45 p.m. to a Dental Appointment.  By the time we got home I had a terrible head ache.  I know it was from not eating.  I managed to eat a bowl of Special K 9(another safe food) and 2 pieces of toast.  That will be all I allow myself to have today as far as calories go.  I stepped on the scale this afternoon and I have dropped 2-3 pounds , but not any where near enough.  Lord, please help me!  Help me to get my thinking under control and help me to stop these EDO's in their track.  I can't do this with out your help Lord!  At this current time if some one were to say to me, "Pam, you look great!".  My EDO thinking would immediately interpret that as "Pam, You have gained weight! You must have put on 10 pounds!"  I know that is not rationale talk, but having EDO's makes me have this distorted thinking about myself and the way I look.  All this stems from events that happened to me when I was a child.  I was the "tubby" kid.  I was served mash potatoes as this comment was being made, "Have some more potatoes tubby!"  That is why to this very day I shy away from potatoes and pasta.  Very seldom do I allow myself to have them for fear that I will become that "tubby" little girl, yet this time I am an adult.   I am exhausted , so very tired of battling these EDO's I have suffered all of my life.  Why can't I just walk away from this crippling illness, this deadly illness?  Did you know that anorexia and bulimia are the leading causes of death with mental health patients.  Why can't I let the scars from my childhood go ?  Why can't I bury them and move forward never to look book....this is where the ambivalent feelings come in and I wrestle with them every single day of my life!  Oh Lord Give Me Strength!   I want to thank all who listen to me , who read this blog, a blog that may not make sense to some. Please if you have questions of things you do not understand concerning Anorexia and Bulimia I will be happy to answer if I can... I want to say "Thank You" Stacey for your words of encouragement and prayers!!  I love you!  I love you all!  God Bless!
                                                                                                           PKS

The Elephant In The Room

I have been attempting to write this particular blog for a few days now and for some reason my computer keeps erasing the entire message! Dang! I am determined to get my feelings out Hell or Highwater No matter how many times I must type this!!!  Somedays blogging is easy and the words come freely.  Other days, the words are stifled and I can bring my self to type anything at all. 

The Elephant in the room I am referring to is ME!  No one see's this elephant but me!  Every where I go the elephant is there in the room too.
.I don't hear voices.  I just have thoughts that plague me every day.  The thoughts are relentless and determined to drag me under.  I must fight for my life.  While I still have time.   Pray for me my friends...
These thoughts tell me how fat I am, how ugly and worthless I am, that I am disgusting....the negative thoughts are endless...will they ever stop.  I am currently taking pseudephedrine and chromium which is a mineral.  Both are appetite suppressants.  I drink fluids with out calories all day long to trick my stomach that I am actually full.   How much longer can I do this.??  My diet lately has been only high fiber cereal twice a day.  It fills me up and the calories aren't as high .  I can eat the cereal with out feeling guilty that I ate something..