I Am The Fattest Anorexic In The Room!!

I know that makes absolutely NO SENSE to most of the , but it sure makes sense to me and probably all my peers who struggle with EDO's.  Please bare with me as I figure out this brand new lap top my husband bought for me!  Because I am an impulsive , neurotic, eating disorder lunatic.  Oh No! I couldn't settle for a Wal-mart lap top!  I had to have one of the VERY BEST in the computer world that cost us 1200 smackaroos!  Am I crazy??? Well probably yes!  Who do I think I am to have to have thee very best of things!!! Oh Lord, please help me change!!!  When Joe and I first got married I was a very spoiled rotten teen !  Yes, yes I was!!! And I had full blown EDO's back then.  But you see, this body of mine was able to deal with all the strain I was putting on it.  NOT ANY MORE!  I have a good chance of dying if I go into a full blown relapse again.  I can't keep this up!  I'm trying to eat one meal a day.  Yes, one meal a day of what ever I want and that is it for the day.  Today we had pancakes and bacon.  I will not be eating again today.  Guilt floods me.  I am my own worst enemy.  If you are reading this, I need your prayers please.  If you are happy with your weight and body hang on to that and never let that go.  God made you special. And he loves you.  He loves me!  I am just standing in the road.  You all have a great Sunday..I have college homework to do...but really could crawl back into bed and stay there indefinitely.


                                                                                          I love you guys!

  


I will talk to you soon!
                                                                                                    PKS

I Have Issues.....

What is God asking of me???  Somedays I feel I have found the path ,the way, the road, I am to go on or go down and the next I am totally clueless!  It makes me crazy.   I have ruined my health and I don't know if I will ever get that back.  I used to walk 6-7 miles a day or be very active for 3-4 hrs. if the elements were so bad I couldn't go outside.  After the Holidays I always feel so ill at ease.  Restless... unsettled with myself....I should be doing more to help my family out.  I'm doing that in a sense by working to obtain my BSN in Nursing then maybe my Masters.  I just don't know.  I need motivation because I certainly do not have any of it right now.  I could curl up in a ball like a big o'l bear and hibernate until Spring is finally here.

But it's ironic because bears love to eat.  Infact they are not picky!  The more food the better.  Me, I had to force myself to eat tonight.  I had an orange and a bowl of fiber plus.  And I felt guilty for eating that.  I am going to be 50 this year and who on God's green earth wants to fight the feeling of being fat for the remainder of their life? ???? Well, I don't want it to be me.....please Lord, don't let it be me.  Take this horrible burden of Anorexia and Bulimia away from me.  I Love You and I Need You Lord!  I can't make it with out you! 

In the mean time..I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, just trying to live my life with the people I love and I know they love me...and all my canine kids too!   I do appreciate all of you that do take the time to read my blog.  I haven't figured out how to spice it up a bit and download more pictues!   Give me time!
                                                                                                             Love And God Bless!
                                                                                                                           Pam

Time To Take Back Control Of My Eating Habits

First of all everyone, HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! Welcome to 2011!  We made it!!!  As I set here typing this new entry I feel like a huge o'l whale that is beached on a shore!  Bloated, indigestion, the last huge meal for the holiday celebrations was today!  Now back to Self Control!  Plus an exercise regimine!  Time to start drinking more water, less coffee, and get my self up and active. If we could afford it I would have a "Tummy Tuck, Chin Lift, Liposuction, too".  A bit drastic , but hey I  hit the big "50" this year.  I am sooo out of shape.  After having three children , I have  excess flab that every women who ever has had babies has.  This does not go away on its own.  All the set ups in the world will not make this "blubber" go away!
It's the marks of motherhood, which I would not change for anything, because Joe and I wanted children!  Infact, I wish that I would have had maybe four or six.  But God knew what was best for Joe and I. 

My classes resume on Monday.  :(   Not really to thrilled about it.  But if you want something bad enough , like my BSN, I must work hard for it.  Then what?  I seriously don't know.  I had an incredible Christmas and New Years Day.  The best present of all was finding out that my husband, Joe, does NOT have Cancer!!! Praise God! Yes!  The ironic sad news is, Joe's mom, "Dorothy", does have Cancer and it is bad!  It is at a stage 4 of the tongue.  She started Chemo and radiation last week.. I have never seen anyone except for my own husband , be as positive and optimistic about beating this Cancer than Dorothy!  Infact Joe and I are taking her up for her all day Chemo/ Radiation day on Tuesday.  We are planning a "Chemo " Party per Dorothy's request!  Now you can't get much more up beat than that!  We are taking creamed soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  It will be an all day event.  But that's all right! Dorothy has always been there for us and now we are there for her!  Well, must run for now my friends.  Looking forward to chatting with you soon!  Love and Godbless!
                                                                                                                    PKS