I Thought The Older I Became, The Easier My Eating Disorders Would Be To Beat!

Oh Lord Please Help Me!  I am losing strength.  I am growing weary.  You know the real reason I where jammies so much?  It is because they are flannel and they keep me warm. Plus they are loose and do not bind!  I CAN NOT STAND ANY THING touching my waist that is to snug.  If my clothes are form fitting I feel fat and ugly.  If they are to baggy I feel fat and ugly.  I feel the best in my jammies!  So silly but it's real, very real to me.  When I am in my blue jeans and I am having a bad EDO day I can NOT stand to feel that "muffin" top of blubber flowing over my jeans!!!  I despise it.  I know that this is crazy talk and I really shouldn't give a flying rip about my size, about my weight!  I  have noticed it is harder to take the pounds off now that I am older than when I was younger.  The metabolism has slowed down!  Everything has slowed down.  I do not have the strength or the stamina to keep up with a strenuous exercise regimen , it just drains the life out of me.   I question my purpose at times.  I am having a sad day today.  I really don't know why.  I am sooo blessed with a wonderful husband who would give me the world and does so much for me.  I have beautiful children and three beautiful grandbabies!  I am troubled right now by our youngest son, Tony's ,actions and choices that he is making.  They are not GOOD decisions by any means and he is hanging out with the wrong crowd of people.  He came home earlier in the week very drunk but at least had the common sense to call Joe and I to come and get him as he was so very intoxicated he could not drive.  When Tony drink hard liquor he is a "mean drunk" and I mean, cruel.  So verbally cruel.  It takes me back to when I was a little girl and my step dad would come home very , very intoxicated and mean.  Mean to the point we would have to hide!  My mom would pack me up and we had to hide out for at least 24hrs. because my step dad was a dangerous mean ass drunk.  That fear bubbles up inside of me when my own son acts in this manner.  I become this frightened little girl !  And Dammit! I am a grown women and this is my child ! I should not allow him to make me feel this way!!!  What do I do though? He has a Traumatic Brain Injury to boot and he would end up in jail.  I just do not think he would survive in the penal system.  But his latest actions show me and Joe that he very well could end up right in the middle of it!  This could be one possible reason I feel so blue today... Lord help me never give up!  Sorry to be on such a downer lately my friends!  I love you all and will talk to you soon!     Pam