Fifty,Fat,Female, Frumpy!

Where do I begin???  I just ate a half a bag of vanilla wafer sugar cookies!  Since I have turned "50" my emotions have been all over the place! I don't even want to get dressed unless I absolutely have to.  I'm sad because I am grieving the loss of Sadie our beloved black lab.  Damn , I hate the fact I was the one who had to have her put to sleep.  She looked at me with those beautiful brown sad suffering eyes, man, I hate it!  I love my canine girls so very much.  I keep asking my self what I could have done to help Sadie.  She was 13 and she was so nervous and eating all that dry wall and inhaling all of that dust was not good.  She laid on the floor and was suffering.  And then I have a kid in a Rehab hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma who is angry at the world and who does he take it all out on?   I told him tonight not to yell at me or cuss at me.  I loved him and I was only calling to see how he was doing.  I know it must be very hard to be where he is at, I just pray that the Good Lord can reach his heart and his soul.  He really is a good kid, a good person, he just has lost his way.  Some days I feel like I have lost my way.  I have felt this way this week.   Stuck in a rut.  I want to live the last half of my life and really suck every breath of air each day to it's fullest if that makes any sense at all.  The higher the stress in my life the more I see food as my enemy.  Then I find I am so hungry too.  I try to starve myself, but I have found that the older I have become the harder it is because I get sick.  Very light headed to the point of fainting.  I figured up my BMI on a site off the net.  A women my age with my wt. and my ht. should weigh more than I do.  In my mind I see this 300 pound women in the mirror.  I try and exercise every chance I can , even if it's leg lifts while doing the dishes.  Anything to burn calories.  I drink tons of diet drinks and water.  Trying to purge away the fat when in reality I am in fact trying to purge my mind of all the negative thoughts I have and all the sad memories that keep popping up in my head.  Well I must stop for now.  I feel so incredibly "FAT" tonight it sickens me!  I know as they say in treatment, "FAT IS NOT A FEELING!"  and "FOOD IS YOUR MEDICINE!"  My canine kids are beckoning me!!!  Talk to you all soon!   Love Pam

Female,Fifty, and Fat

Well,I am the big "50"now.  I am having very ambivalent feelings about this entire age thing.  Not that I can do one darn thing about it.  I really thought that turning fifty would change things with the way I felt about my body image.  But it didn't.  I wished that I didn't give a crap about my body size and really started enjoying my life, the last half of it any way.  I have stewed for years ,decades about how much weight I can lose or gain.  I am so freaking sick of doing that!  Your guess is as good as mine on why I can't let it go.  Hell, I am defective!  Aren't we all defective in some capacity?  I think we are and it is up to each one of us on how we deal with our own imperfections.  Did I mention how I had a nurse say to me, "I sure wish I was anorexia and was as thin as you!"  My first thought was , "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?"  Hell, I wouldn't wish these eating disorders on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  Do they know that anorexia and bulimia are one of the most deadliest mental diseases a person could be diagnosed with?  They clearly do not know that!   Sorry that I have typed  a "whole lot of nothing" this time around. I have a little schnauzer needing my attention, and this little girl makes me happy!
Talk to you all soon!   Love you all!  Pam

Nothing Like A Brisk Walk To Get The Endorphins Pumping

Just went on a brisk walk with my hubby and Miss Gracie!  Love it! Walking can help make the blues go "away" even if only temporarily.  I have been sad lately...struggling with my eating disorders and life in general.  I turn "50" in eleven days.  I am having mixed emotions about this turning point in my life.  I usually do become very depressed around this time of year!  Because my birthday represents the day that my world changed for ever and started the cruel beginning of  me fighting anorexia and bulimia...You would think that time...years...would make this wound go away...no such luck!  How am I going to react this year???  God only knows...