Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Will The Tears Ever Stop???
I apologize that for quite sometime I haven't been very positive at all. I have done nothing but complain and I hate that. I ate once today and since Joe isn't home for supper tonight, there is no need to even bother with food. I'm not hungry at all. This heat takes away the appetite. I am a mess. So fragile...like an egg...I feel cracked. Sometimes totally broken....totally useless.. I cry at the drop of a hat. I do believe that I am going through menopause too. I have isolated myself to the point I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to. I hate it...I can't stand the feeling of my clothes on my skin. My waist band feels way to tight. I hate that! Anything that is snug against my body I can not stand. I am becoming a recluse. I have my canine girls and Joe. I do have the privilege and the happiness of watching baby "Cooper " while Jill and Shane work. He is so full of life and zest! He definitely is a gift from God! He smiles and is trying to laugh now. He is sooo cute , so very full of life. I do thank God for my kids and grand kids. I thank God for my husband and for loving me, faults and all. I am pretty messed up. All because I have these damned, horrid eating disorders. I have even shut myself off from my church family and this is when I need God and my Church Family the very most. How does one ever get over the fact that their mom chose another man over her 3 young kids?? Actually signed us over to our dad. And you know what? My dad, my wonderful dad , played the bad guy all of these years to protect us from that pain. I Had NO IDEA ANY MOM WOULD HAVE THE GUTS TO ACTUALLY GIVE THEIR KIDS AWAY!!! And then walk away themselves with their lover....I am sorry, but that has scarred me for life. I am sooo broken. Then I try and over compensate with my kids . Trying so hard to give them every thing even as adult kids...in the long wrong though I end up hurting everyone because my health is so broken , I can not follow through... I over commit myself. My mind says ,"OH YES! I WILL DO THAT! I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU!" When in reality my body is breaking down, piece by piece...one of these days, these chest pains will not be a fluke, they will be real. I at least have a life insurance policy to cover burial expenses and maybe a little more. ...I am starting my bucket list for real ....I must stop for now...I love you guys who are my friends and don't judge me for being such a mess... some day I am going to post something happy and positive! :) Stay cool!
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Miss Pamy, I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much. This sounds like depression or anxiety. Are you still seeing your doctor regularly?
ReplyDeleteYour mom is not the only mom who has abandoned kids for a man. My aunt took off for Alabama with a boyfriend leaving her kids with their dad, when they were young. (Perhaps not coincidently one of those cousins also developed eating disorders and bipolar disorder as a teen.) My stepson had to pick between a boyfriend or him when he was two and she chose the boyfriend. One of Ron's co-workers gave up her kids to foster care because she did not want to take care of them (also had to do with poor choices involving men).
I know that I am unable to judge others as I could never totally put myself in their shoes. There are too many variables. You are loved by your family, including those fur-babies, your church family, and a multitude of friends. You are worth it. You are important. You are perfect in God's eyes. Take care my friend. One day at a time.
Stacey,
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good friend to me. I do appreciate you so much. I will never understand how a mom can abandon their own babies for the love of a man! I would lay down my own life for my kids, know matter how old they become..I am struggling so hard with depression right now and the anxiety is horrible. I am so depressed, I cry a lot. I am seeing my Counselor again. I saw her yesterday and right now it seems all it is doing is creating a lot of pain. She, "Carrie", my counselor told me it would get a lot worse before it got better or before things start turning around and I start feeling half way decent emotionally. I do think I am also going through menopause with the hot flashes and chills I have been dealing with. I can't thank you enough for being so kind to me and being such a good friend!
Talk to you soon!
Love Ya!
Pam