I'm Really, Really Tired With A Lot Of Ambivalent Feelings

It was a very long night last night...sitting up with our son, "Tony".  He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his assault he suffered in 2006 while attending the Iowa State Fair.  Innocently walking out of the Varied Industries Building he was jumped by a group of African American Gang.  The intent of the gang was to actually "kill" Tony.  They literally did.  He was dead at the scene and was rescuscitated by the EMS team and Trauma Team @ Mercy Hospital.  Then when the gang realized he was still alive death threats started coming in on Tony's life.   You know I dropped 15-20 pounds during that 6 week hospitalization of our son's.  It not only changed Tony's life forever , it also changed our entire family's lives.........Each and everyone of us cope with life and its stressors in different ways.  With high stress in my life my stomach becomes twisted in to knots.  Nausea and puking are not far behind if it is tremendous stress.  Food becomes my enemy.  I am repulsed at the thought of food.  I can drink fluids pretty good without much problems , I live on fluids that are full of caffeine and are diet.  Those are safe for me....Lately Diet Peach Snapple Tea is my favorite.  I go through spurts.  When I get tired of this drink I'll find another diet drink that is "safe".   Sorry, I got of track and started rambling about my EDO hang ups.  Since last night was a late, late, night I did not eat all day.   When I first wake up I have to drink my coffee, two cups, and my gateraide "G2" which is the low calorie gateraide.  Again those are "safe" for me.   I can eat in a few hours generally after I get up.  But since today was thrown off completely I didn't eat lunch at all.  I just took more pseudoephedrine and my diet snapple.  I had to have Tony in Des Moines by 2:45 p.m. to a Dental Appointment.  By the time we got home I had a terrible head ache.  I know it was from not eating.  I managed to eat a bowl of Special K 9(another safe food) and 2 pieces of toast.  That will be all I allow myself to have today as far as calories go.  I stepped on the scale this afternoon and I have dropped 2-3 pounds , but not any where near enough.  Lord, please help me!  Help me to get my thinking under control and help me to stop these EDO's in their track.  I can't do this with out your help Lord!  At this current time if some one were to say to me, "Pam, you look great!".  My EDO thinking would immediately interpret that as "Pam, You have gained weight! You must have put on 10 pounds!"  I know that is not rationale talk, but having EDO's makes me have this distorted thinking about myself and the way I look.  All this stems from events that happened to me when I was a child.  I was the "tubby" kid.  I was served mash potatoes as this comment was being made, "Have some more potatoes tubby!"  That is why to this very day I shy away from potatoes and pasta.  Very seldom do I allow myself to have them for fear that I will become that "tubby" little girl, yet this time I am an adult.   I am exhausted , so very tired of battling these EDO's I have suffered all of my life.  Why can't I just walk away from this crippling illness, this deadly illness?  Did you know that anorexia and bulimia are the leading causes of death with mental health patients.  Why can't I let the scars from my childhood go ?  Why can't I bury them and move forward never to look book....this is where the ambivalent feelings come in and I wrestle with them every single day of my life!  Oh Lord Give Me Strength!   I want to thank all who listen to me , who read this blog, a blog that may not make sense to some. Please if you have questions of things you do not understand concerning Anorexia and Bulimia I will be happy to answer if I can... I want to say "Thank You" Stacey for your words of encouragement and prayers!!  I love you!  I love you all!  God Bless!
                                                                                                           PKS