Counseling......is like picking a scab off of a long deep sore when you first start....

I have a wonderful counselor!  Her name is "Carrie".  She was my counselor way back in 1995 when I first entered the Iowa Lutheran Hospital Eating Disorder Unit for treatment of my depression,anorexia ,and bulimia.  Hard to believe that I was only "35" years old and a Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse.  Our kids were still in elementary school and jr. high.  WOW!  I had to be there each day @ Iowa Lutheran Hospital by 8:00 a.m.  That was weigh in time and vital signs were obtained.  It was a very long day .  We patients were there from 8:00 a,m. to 6:00p.m. each night .  All three meals were ate under supervision.  The very first day was one of the hardest days of my life.  I wanted to turn my car around and drive home and forget this entire rehab idea!!!  If I had, I would not be here on this earth today.  My EDO's would have killed me.  Over the years the Iowa Lutheran Hospital Eating Disorder Rehab program closed.  I lost track of Carrie up until the past month.  I am soooo glad I found her.  She helped me before and I know she can help me again.  Right now therapy is very painful.  A lot of painful issues are being addressed.  Thus the tears fall and basically I am a wreck right now...as Carrie said...when therapy first starts...it is at first very painful ....and that is indeed where I am at....very lost...very sad........it will get better...I must believe...   I will be a better, stronger person when I work through all of this garbage that is keeping me stuck in a painful cycle....I want to thank "Stacey" for being right here for me and lightening the load ....I love ya!!!                   Till next time my friends!     Love Pam

Will The Tears Ever Stop???

I apologize that for quite sometime I haven't been very positive at all.  I have done nothing but complain and I hate that.  I ate once today  and since Joe isn't home for supper tonight, there is no need to even bother with food.  I'm not hungry at all.  This heat takes away the appetite.  I am a mess.  So fragile...like an egg...I feel cracked.  Sometimes totally broken....totally useless.. I cry at the drop of a hat.  I do believe that I am going through menopause too.  I have isolated myself to the point I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to.  I hate it...I can't stand the feeling of my clothes on my skin.  My waist band feels way to tight.  I hate that!  Anything that is snug against my body I can not stand.  I am becoming a recluse.  I have my canine girls and Joe.  I do have the privilege and the happiness of watching baby "Cooper " while Jill and Shane work.  He is so full of life and zest!  He definitely is a gift from God!  He smiles and is trying to laugh now.  He is sooo cute , so very full of life.  I do thank God for my kids and grand kids.  I thank God for my husband and for loving me, faults and all.  I am pretty messed up.  All because I have these damned, horrid eating disorders.  I have even shut myself off from my church family and this is when I need God and my Church Family the very most.  How does one ever get over the fact that their mom chose another man over her 3 young kids?? Actually signed us over to our dad.  And you know what?  My dad, my wonderful dad , played the bad guy all of these years to protect us from that pain.  I Had NO IDEA ANY MOM WOULD HAVE THE GUTS TO ACTUALLY GIVE THEIR KIDS AWAY!!! And then walk away themselves with their lover....I am sorry, but that has scarred me for life.  I am sooo broken.  Then I try and over compensate with my kids .  Trying so hard to give them every thing even as adult kids...in the long wrong though I end up hurting everyone because my health is so broken , I can not follow through... I over commit myself.  My mind says ,"OH YES! I WILL DO THAT! I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU!"  When in reality my body is breaking down, piece by piece...one of these days, these chest pains will not be a fluke, they will be real.  I at least have a life insurance policy to cover burial expenses and maybe a little more. ...I am starting my bucket list for real ....I must stop for now...I love you guys who are my friends and don't judge me for being such a mess...  some day I am going to post something happy and positive!  :)  Stay cool!

Tough Love

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding , wonderful, awesome privileges that God can bless us with.  It is also one of the most heart breaking, scary, gut retching job at times.  Joe and I have been married "31" years.  I am very blessed to be married with a man who understand me for who I am.  Anorexic, Bulimic, Depression, and all.  He has educated himself over the years to try and understand these complex diseases.  And as far as our parenting goes, we learned quickly to hold the united front when it comes to raising our children.  We parent together.  We learned not to let any of our children try and play one parent over the other.  Even though our kids are grown up we still hold the "United Front".  Right now we have a "27" year old son who has a Traumatic Brain Injury.  He will be "28" July 12th.   First, it's a miracle that he is alive after his assault.  But with his recovery back to learning to live and find himself, he has chose to go down paths of destruction.   He chose to quit taking all of his daily meds and start using street drugs plus return to drinking heavily.  In order to save this child from himself  we had to first have him arrested, then second, admit him into a dual diagnosis treatment center.  He is currently one angry young man, who thinks that the world owes him!  He blames every one else for his current situation.  He is angry at Joe.  He is angry at me. He hates the world and blames everyone but himself.  He is demanded that "We" get him out of rehab ASAP.  He is caught in this grandiose idea that he is above EVERYONE!!!  He is demanding and disrespectful to the staff in this rehab and to Joe and I.  We were going take 4 days and go see Tony, plus take his favorite cake and celebrate his birth early.  He of course is calling all of the shots.  He holds so much anger!  He is working so hard at trying to get out of this rehab that he isn't concentrating on getting well and working the program.  So Joe and I have made the tough decision to pull the rug out from under Tony.   We have made the very difficult choice NOT to travel 7 hrs. to see him right now.  He thinks he is above all of us and the world owes him.  We need to get his attention!  He needs to find God and find  purpose in his life.  I even had Joe buy me the book " Praying For Your Adult Child".   We are praying that God will help our son, intervene and help Tony.  Save him from himself.  It breaks my heart to do this "Tough Love" thing.  I hate it.  It hurts Joe and I more than Tony will ever be able to understand.  Please pray for our son and this situation.   Stress makes my EDO's go wildly out of control...on the positive side...I have made an appointment to see my counselor next Friday.   God please guide me and my family!   Thanks for listening everyone!  Love Pam

Fifty,Fat,Female, Frumpy!

Where do I begin???  I just ate a half a bag of vanilla wafer sugar cookies!  Since I have turned "50" my emotions have been all over the place! I don't even want to get dressed unless I absolutely have to.  I'm sad because I am grieving the loss of Sadie our beloved black lab.  Damn , I hate the fact I was the one who had to have her put to sleep.  She looked at me with those beautiful brown sad suffering eyes, man, I hate it!  I love my canine girls so very much.  I keep asking my self what I could have done to help Sadie.  She was 13 and she was so nervous and eating all that dry wall and inhaling all of that dust was not good.  She laid on the floor and was suffering.  And then I have a kid in a Rehab hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma who is angry at the world and who does he take it all out on?   I told him tonight not to yell at me or cuss at me.  I loved him and I was only calling to see how he was doing.  I know it must be very hard to be where he is at, I just pray that the Good Lord can reach his heart and his soul.  He really is a good kid, a good person, he just has lost his way.  Some days I feel like I have lost my way.  I have felt this way this week.   Stuck in a rut.  I want to live the last half of my life and really suck every breath of air each day to it's fullest if that makes any sense at all.  The higher the stress in my life the more I see food as my enemy.  Then I find I am so hungry too.  I try to starve myself, but I have found that the older I have become the harder it is because I get sick.  Very light headed to the point of fainting.  I figured up my BMI on a site off the net.  A women my age with my wt. and my ht. should weigh more than I do.  In my mind I see this 300 pound women in the mirror.  I try and exercise every chance I can , even if it's leg lifts while doing the dishes.  Anything to burn calories.  I drink tons of diet drinks and water.  Trying to purge away the fat when in reality I am in fact trying to purge my mind of all the negative thoughts I have and all the sad memories that keep popping up in my head.  Well I must stop for now.  I feel so incredibly "FAT" tonight it sickens me!  I know as they say in treatment, "FAT IS NOT A FEELING!"  and "FOOD IS YOUR MEDICINE!"  My canine kids are beckoning me!!!  Talk to you all soon!   Love Pam

Female,Fifty, and Fat

Well,I am the big "50"now.  I am having very ambivalent feelings about this entire age thing.  Not that I can do one darn thing about it.  I really thought that turning fifty would change things with the way I felt about my body image.  But it didn't.  I wished that I didn't give a crap about my body size and really started enjoying my life, the last half of it any way.  I have stewed for years ,decades about how much weight I can lose or gain.  I am so freaking sick of doing that!  Your guess is as good as mine on why I can't let it go.  Hell, I am defective!  Aren't we all defective in some capacity?  I think we are and it is up to each one of us on how we deal with our own imperfections.  Did I mention how I had a nurse say to me, "I sure wish I was anorexia and was as thin as you!"  My first thought was , "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?"  Hell, I wouldn't wish these eating disorders on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  Do they know that anorexia and bulimia are one of the most deadliest mental diseases a person could be diagnosed with?  They clearly do not know that!   Sorry that I have typed  a "whole lot of nothing" this time around. I have a little schnauzer needing my attention, and this little girl makes me happy!
Talk to you all soon!   Love you all!  Pam

Nothing Like A Brisk Walk To Get The Endorphins Pumping

Just went on a brisk walk with my hubby and Miss Gracie!  Love it! Walking can help make the blues go "away" even if only temporarily.  I have been sad lately...struggling with my eating disorders and life in general.  I turn "50" in eleven days.  I am having mixed emotions about this turning point in my life.  I usually do become very depressed around this time of year!  Because my birthday represents the day that my world changed for ever and started the cruel beginning of  me fighting anorexia and bulimia...You would think that time...years...would make this wound go away...no such luck!  How am I going to react this year???  God only knows... 

I Thought The Older I Became, The Easier My Eating Disorders Would Be To Beat!

Oh Lord Please Help Me!  I am losing strength.  I am growing weary.  You know the real reason I where jammies so much?  It is because they are flannel and they keep me warm. Plus they are loose and do not bind!  I CAN NOT STAND ANY THING touching my waist that is to snug.  If my clothes are form fitting I feel fat and ugly.  If they are to baggy I feel fat and ugly.  I feel the best in my jammies!  So silly but it's real, very real to me.  When I am in my blue jeans and I am having a bad EDO day I can NOT stand to feel that "muffin" top of blubber flowing over my jeans!!!  I despise it.  I know that this is crazy talk and I really shouldn't give a flying rip about my size, about my weight!  I  have noticed it is harder to take the pounds off now that I am older than when I was younger.  The metabolism has slowed down!  Everything has slowed down.  I do not have the strength or the stamina to keep up with a strenuous exercise regimen , it just drains the life out of me.   I question my purpose at times.  I am having a sad day today.  I really don't know why.  I am sooo blessed with a wonderful husband who would give me the world and does so much for me.  I have beautiful children and three beautiful grandbabies!  I am troubled right now by our youngest son, Tony's ,actions and choices that he is making.  They are not GOOD decisions by any means and he is hanging out with the wrong crowd of people.  He came home earlier in the week very drunk but at least had the common sense to call Joe and I to come and get him as he was so very intoxicated he could not drive.  When Tony drink hard liquor he is a "mean drunk" and I mean, cruel.  So verbally cruel.  It takes me back to when I was a little girl and my step dad would come home very , very intoxicated and mean.  Mean to the point we would have to hide!  My mom would pack me up and we had to hide out for at least 24hrs. because my step dad was a dangerous mean ass drunk.  That fear bubbles up inside of me when my own son acts in this manner.  I become this frightened little girl !  And Dammit! I am a grown women and this is my child ! I should not allow him to make me feel this way!!!  What do I do though? He has a Traumatic Brain Injury to boot and he would end up in jail.  I just do not think he would survive in the penal system.  But his latest actions show me and Joe that he very well could end up right in the middle of it!  This could be one possible reason I feel so blue today... Lord help me never give up!  Sorry to be on such a downer lately my friends!  I love you all and will talk to you soon!     Pam

Pushed Beyond My Physical Limits, Close to Collapsing

I received a major wake up call last night, actually yesterday afternoon/evening.  I truly thought I was going to die!! I have never been so scared as I was last night.  I knew it was from mere exhaustion after being up for over 24 hrs. while we supported our daughter and her husband bring their new baby boy into this world!!!  I did give up pseudoephedrine and laxatives.  But I slipped with not eating and pushing myself to be there for our daughter through every contraction clear up to delivery time.  Jill "for well over 17 1/2 hours.  She was such a trooper!  She did really good.  Very few profanities at all!  :)  She would just say ,"Ohhhhhhhh..Oweeee'' this hurts so bad! Please make this pain stop! "  As a mom and dad watching their own baby girl go through such horrific pain was quite difficult.  As parents we want to take our kid's pain away!  We don't want them to suffer!  But this was a natural process of life.  She was up and down and up and down, which required unplugging the baby monitors and IV and getting Jill up and into the bathroom.  She had the urge to void and have a bowel movement all due to the pressure of little "Cooper" attempting to make his way into this world.  Then she got very nauseated and she started to throw up.  My heart hurt for her!  I wanted to make everthing all better, but I couldn't.  I and Joe and Shane's parent's, Donna and Bret , all were exhausted too since no one had slept .  We all were drinking coffee, diet pepsi, tea, ect. anything to keep going.  Then around 3:00p.m.when things started to calm down I could feel the life start to go out of my own body.  By the time we said our good-byes ,hugs, kisses, and cuddles done with the new family , Joe and I headed for home.  Then while in the van, I got really sick!!! Nauseated, chest pain, sweaty,clammy, head pounding... I had to lay on my side in the front seat of the van.  I knew my body needed fuel of some kind. I waited a little to long and had Joe stop at the DQ in Indianola. I was so weak I could not stand up and almost fainted so I sit in the van while Joe went in and bought me a blizzard and him a shake.  I took my meds for pain and nausea and felt worse.  I could only down 1/4 of the Blizzard.  I really thought I was going to die..I started to bargain with God to please "don't take me today Lord".  I told Joe that I felt really bad. So he got me home and I went straight to bed.  He told me that I was pushing myself to hard and not taking care of myself.  He told me that , "I would NOT be going up to see Cooper ,Jill, and Shane tomorrow."  He told me that he was going to care of me and do everything he can to keep me from "dying." That is how scared he was.  I was scared.  I may not be going to see my new little family today in order to take care of myself.  I am not well, I am a fragile flower, tat is wilted and don't know if I can snap out of this.  I will be seeing my Dr. next week and even may go to the ER sooner if I need to.  I am to young to die.  Don't give up on me God!  Pam! Don't give up your fight to live!!! You have to much to live for.  I am getting really tired now...I have been up since 4:15 a.m. I had to get up with Gracie and the rest of the girls so Joe can sleep in and get some much needed rest. I will be taking care of me to day...hell that sounds so selfish.....Hugs and Kisses To All Of You!
                                                             Pam

Struggling TodayI

I wish for one moment of the day I didn't care how much I weigh or exactly how many calories each morsel of food has in it.  I am barely eating today and I am guilty of taking laxatives last night to purge out all of the garbage I devoured yesterday.  I am paying for it today because of the nausea and chest pain I have been having.  I laid down and I took a 2 hour nap.  Some times it is so much easier to sleep the hunger pains away and then sometimes the chest pains go away too.  I am feeling a little bit worthless today.  Sad I didn't make it to an Easter Service somewhere.  Easter Sundays = an abundance of food = an abundance of people.  The two go hand in hand.  I know the true meaning of Easter, the celebration of Christ Rising!  He Lives!  I wish and I pray that I can let go, let go of the depression and EDO's before it is to late.  I seriously could go back to bed right this minute and sleep the day away and not get up until tomorrow...but I can't...my son and our canine girls they are counting on me.  Plus I have a hard working husband who will be home for supper who deserves something decent to eat.  Time to get of my pity pot and get busy.......Take care everyone.....PKS

Chest Pain....Is it real???

I started having chest pain off and on all day today.  It is worse with any exertion.  Not so many palpitations as the chest tightness that radiates up into my throat and jaw.  Will I be doing the wrong thing if I go to the ER?  I feel tired is the only other thing.  What on earth is my problem.  I did make it to Easter Dinner with my mom and dad and sister, Cindy.  Plus all of our families.  It was a huge,nice gathering. It's so strange that now my mom and dad are together at almost every event.  I really didn't want to go with out my husband , Joe, who is working today.  There is a lot of B& E's happening throughout the county. (Breaking & Entering)  Some one or maybe even a few are breaking in to people's homes and taking their guns and also new baby calves straight from the pastures.  What is wrong with people?  I don't understand at all.  Calves are going for very high market prices at the sale barns.  As for the guns, don't know what that is all about.  The first thing I think of is drug involvement of some kind.  People who own guns and have many calves or who's cows are calving at this particular time .  It is the season of baby calves.  People need to be
 vigolent (sp?) about watching for strange vehicles and strange people in general.  Sorry , I got off the topic of me having chest pain.  If I set and do absolutely nothing then I do not experience the pain as bad.  The words of Dr. Richard's keep blaring in my ears....You Will Die Of A Heart Attack!  You have cheated death more than you have had a right to.  You have missed the bullet to many times to count.  I don't want to die.  I'm not ready to die...I don't know whether I should take these pains seriously or not.  I know the routine.  It would mean hospitalization and drawing of blood every 6-8 hours!  I Do NOT want to go through that again.  I have seen the inside of hospitals more times than I ever care to remember.  I haven't had any pseudoephedrine or laxatives since Friday.  All of that should be out of my system by now!!! Or so you would think! Right???  Well I must run for now....Pam

My Psychiatrist Was Brutally Honest Today, That's What Makes Him A Great Dr.

Well finally I made it to see Dr. L . Scott Richards, my Psychiatrist.  I thought of so many reasons why I could miss this appointment today; because I honestly did not want to hear what he had to say.  Like I said he is very brutally honest.  Joe was able to go with me today and that is always nice.  Joe knows Dr. Richard's as my husband and also as a Deputy Sheriff.  I am struggling very bad with my EDO's.  And I hate the word,"PRACTICING", because to me practicing is like playing the piano or getting ready to compete in something. But in the EDO world the professionals say any EDO behaviors is "practicing."  And when I was asked my list of questions today and I was asked if I was practicing, I was honest.  I am out of control as far as my EDO's .  I am heavily practicing for fear of gaining wt.  I am using pseudoephedrine, chromium, and laxatives.  The first two give me much needed energy and suppress my appetite. Laxatives just purge the colon of nutrients and can cause an electrolyte imbalance.  When asked if I have been having chest pain or palpitations I was honest again. "Yes", I have been.  I can usually ignore them and they pass.  Other times I must lay down and try and sleep them off.

Today I was told that , "I Will Die!" If I do NOT STOP the use of pseudoephedrine and laxatives.  I will have a major heart attack and most likely die.  Dr. Richards asked Joe if he had life insurance on me.  Joe answered yes of course.  Silly as it may seem to others, it makes sense to me! I don't have time to go into a treatment facility at this time in my life.  I have a new grand baby on the way and a son who counts on both Joe and I. 

I don't want to die.  I have to much to live for.  I know what I need to do.  I must surrender all of my laxatives and pseudoephedrine and give them to Joe to dispose of.  I must do every thing I can to stay a live. I must realize that being thin is not worth dying for.  Lord please help me overcome these deadly EDO's and stop the depression that follow them.  I can't do this on my own.  I am so very blessed that I have a husband who loves me and who understands me and my illnesses.  He has done his homework by reading up on them and finding as much information as possible to educate himself.  Plus he keeps in touch with my physicians and treatment team.  Please pray for me my friends.  I will not die without a fight.  I plan to call a counselor next week so that I can get in and work through the things that are keeping me stuck in this EDO world.   Talk to you all soon!  Love and God Bless!
                                                                                Pam

I'm Really, Really Tired With A Lot Of Ambivalent Feelings

It was a very long night last night...sitting up with our son, "Tony".  He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his assault he suffered in 2006 while attending the Iowa State Fair.  Innocently walking out of the Varied Industries Building he was jumped by a group of African American Gang.  The intent of the gang was to actually "kill" Tony.  They literally did.  He was dead at the scene and was rescuscitated by the EMS team and Trauma Team @ Mercy Hospital.  Then when the gang realized he was still alive death threats started coming in on Tony's life.   You know I dropped 15-20 pounds during that 6 week hospitalization of our son's.  It not only changed Tony's life forever , it also changed our entire family's lives.........Each and everyone of us cope with life and its stressors in different ways.  With high stress in my life my stomach becomes twisted in to knots.  Nausea and puking are not far behind if it is tremendous stress.  Food becomes my enemy.  I am repulsed at the thought of food.  I can drink fluids pretty good without much problems , I live on fluids that are full of caffeine and are diet.  Those are safe for me....Lately Diet Peach Snapple Tea is my favorite.  I go through spurts.  When I get tired of this drink I'll find another diet drink that is "safe".   Sorry, I got of track and started rambling about my EDO hang ups.  Since last night was a late, late, night I did not eat all day.   When I first wake up I have to drink my coffee, two cups, and my gateraide "G2" which is the low calorie gateraide.  Again those are "safe" for me.   I can eat in a few hours generally after I get up.  But since today was thrown off completely I didn't eat lunch at all.  I just took more pseudoephedrine and my diet snapple.  I had to have Tony in Des Moines by 2:45 p.m. to a Dental Appointment.  By the time we got home I had a terrible head ache.  I know it was from not eating.  I managed to eat a bowl of Special K 9(another safe food) and 2 pieces of toast.  That will be all I allow myself to have today as far as calories go.  I stepped on the scale this afternoon and I have dropped 2-3 pounds , but not any where near enough.  Lord, please help me!  Help me to get my thinking under control and help me to stop these EDO's in their track.  I can't do this with out your help Lord!  At this current time if some one were to say to me, "Pam, you look great!".  My EDO thinking would immediately interpret that as "Pam, You have gained weight! You must have put on 10 pounds!"  I know that is not rationale talk, but having EDO's makes me have this distorted thinking about myself and the way I look.  All this stems from events that happened to me when I was a child.  I was the "tubby" kid.  I was served mash potatoes as this comment was being made, "Have some more potatoes tubby!"  That is why to this very day I shy away from potatoes and pasta.  Very seldom do I allow myself to have them for fear that I will become that "tubby" little girl, yet this time I am an adult.   I am exhausted , so very tired of battling these EDO's I have suffered all of my life.  Why can't I just walk away from this crippling illness, this deadly illness?  Did you know that anorexia and bulimia are the leading causes of death with mental health patients.  Why can't I let the scars from my childhood go ?  Why can't I bury them and move forward never to look book....this is where the ambivalent feelings come in and I wrestle with them every single day of my life!  Oh Lord Give Me Strength!   I want to thank all who listen to me , who read this blog, a blog that may not make sense to some. Please if you have questions of things you do not understand concerning Anorexia and Bulimia I will be happy to answer if I can... I want to say "Thank You" Stacey for your words of encouragement and prayers!!  I love you!  I love you all!  God Bless!
                                                                                                           PKS

The Elephant In The Room

I have been attempting to write this particular blog for a few days now and for some reason my computer keeps erasing the entire message! Dang! I am determined to get my feelings out Hell or Highwater No matter how many times I must type this!!!  Somedays blogging is easy and the words come freely.  Other days, the words are stifled and I can bring my self to type anything at all. 

The Elephant in the room I am referring to is ME!  No one see's this elephant but me!  Every where I go the elephant is there in the room too.
.I don't hear voices.  I just have thoughts that plague me every day.  The thoughts are relentless and determined to drag me under.  I must fight for my life.  While I still have time.   Pray for me my friends...
These thoughts tell me how fat I am, how ugly and worthless I am, that I am disgusting....the negative thoughts are endless...will they ever stop.  I am currently taking pseudephedrine and chromium which is a mineral.  Both are appetite suppressants.  I drink fluids with out calories all day long to trick my stomach that I am actually full.   How much longer can I do this.??  My diet lately has been only high fiber cereal twice a day.  It fills me up and the calories aren't as high .  I can eat the cereal with out feeling guilty that I ate something..

I Am To Fat For Treatment Or Interventions

I am barely treading water.  I am like a fishing bobber bouncing up and down in the water soon to be pulled under and meet my demise...My EDO's are sucking the life right out of me...I cringe when I look at my body...I have such an incredible disgust for my body.  It's not even a love /hate relationship.  Lately it has been utter and total disgust .   I have a muffin top belly.  Today I went clothes shopping which was a big fat mistake.  That's a cliche now isn't it?  I tried on 6 pairs of Capri pants and two pair of skinny jeans.  Well you have to be skinny to fit into "skinny" jeans.  In all reality my clothes hang off of me.  I could suck my gut in and the pants would slide to the floor.   I was so over whelmed that I didn't by any jeans or capris.  This fat ass and thunder thighs of mine I despise!  I don't deserve new clothes for such a body.  I then went shopping with the intent to buy , more laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, ect.  anything to help me drop 10 -15 pounds but only by the Grace Of God I DID NOT buy these lethal supplies, so maybe there is hope for me.  I even called a treatment center today.  I don't know what lies ahead of me...I do know I must lose this wt. before I contemplate seeking treatment for these EDO's.  Twisted thinking , but when have EDO's ever been rational.  I am sooo tired and exhausted....sleep is what I need...
                                                                                                                                          I must stop for now!
                                                                                                                                                  PKS

Rise Above The Monster

I was just recently asked by a very good friend of mine who knows that I suffer from Anorexia and Bulimia both.  She has a birthday arriving soon.  I was asked a very difficult question.  She has an up coming birthday.  It's a milestone..  I'm happy for her.  But she honestly does not know me like I thought she did.  You don't ask an "anorexic/bulimic" to rise above the Monster just for one day and come out to eat at a party .  I don't care if it is the President's birthday.  I Will Not Be Attending!!!   Come on!! What was she thinking?  I'm on the verge of entering a treatment facility yet again and I am asked to attend a party where there is nothing but food and a crowd of people!  I know I must understand that a lot of people do not understand EDO's regardless of what type it is.  Over eating is now called a type of eating disorder.  I don't know much about it other than the fact that my brother had this type of EDO.  Binge eating with out purging.  He gained up to 500 pounds before he died .  He died way to young.  Hell, I turn 50 this year.  I have gained 5 pounds over the winter so far.  I'll be damned if I gain any more 105 is way to heavy for a 5ft 1 in frame.  Thanks for letting me vent....I really need to do this...to talk about my hang ups.   I love you guys out there who read what I  write.  I am not ashamed of the fact I am on antidepressants and antiaxiety meds to help me tx. my edo's.  I will be back sooner.....a lot sooner than before!  I didn't mean to leave you all hanging!
                                                                 God Bless!
                                                                    Pam

I Am The Fattest Anorexic In The Room!!

I know that makes absolutely NO SENSE to most of the , but it sure makes sense to me and probably all my peers who struggle with EDO's.  Please bare with me as I figure out this brand new lap top my husband bought for me!  Because I am an impulsive , neurotic, eating disorder lunatic.  Oh No! I couldn't settle for a Wal-mart lap top!  I had to have one of the VERY BEST in the computer world that cost us 1200 smackaroos!  Am I crazy??? Well probably yes!  Who do I think I am to have to have thee very best of things!!! Oh Lord, please help me change!!!  When Joe and I first got married I was a very spoiled rotten teen !  Yes, yes I was!!! And I had full blown EDO's back then.  But you see, this body of mine was able to deal with all the strain I was putting on it.  NOT ANY MORE!  I have a good chance of dying if I go into a full blown relapse again.  I can't keep this up!  I'm trying to eat one meal a day.  Yes, one meal a day of what ever I want and that is it for the day.  Today we had pancakes and bacon.  I will not be eating again today.  Guilt floods me.  I am my own worst enemy.  If you are reading this, I need your prayers please.  If you are happy with your weight and body hang on to that and never let that go.  God made you special. And he loves you.  He loves me!  I am just standing in the road.  You all have a great Sunday..I have college homework to do...but really could crawl back into bed and stay there indefinitely.


                                                                                          I love you guys!

  


I will talk to you soon!
                                                                                                    PKS

I Have Issues.....

What is God asking of me???  Somedays I feel I have found the path ,the way, the road, I am to go on or go down and the next I am totally clueless!  It makes me crazy.   I have ruined my health and I don't know if I will ever get that back.  I used to walk 6-7 miles a day or be very active for 3-4 hrs. if the elements were so bad I couldn't go outside.  After the Holidays I always feel so ill at ease.  Restless... unsettled with myself....I should be doing more to help my family out.  I'm doing that in a sense by working to obtain my BSN in Nursing then maybe my Masters.  I just don't know.  I need motivation because I certainly do not have any of it right now.  I could curl up in a ball like a big o'l bear and hibernate until Spring is finally here.

But it's ironic because bears love to eat.  Infact they are not picky!  The more food the better.  Me, I had to force myself to eat tonight.  I had an orange and a bowl of fiber plus.  And I felt guilty for eating that.  I am going to be 50 this year and who on God's green earth wants to fight the feeling of being fat for the remainder of their life? ???? Well, I don't want it to be me.....please Lord, don't let it be me.  Take this horrible burden of Anorexia and Bulimia away from me.  I Love You and I Need You Lord!  I can't make it with out you! 

In the mean time..I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, just trying to live my life with the people I love and I know they love me...and all my canine kids too!   I do appreciate all of you that do take the time to read my blog.  I haven't figured out how to spice it up a bit and download more pictues!   Give me time!
                                                                                                             Love And God Bless!
                                                                                                                           Pam

Time To Take Back Control Of My Eating Habits

First of all everyone, HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! Welcome to 2011!  We made it!!!  As I set here typing this new entry I feel like a huge o'l whale that is beached on a shore!  Bloated, indigestion, the last huge meal for the holiday celebrations was today!  Now back to Self Control!  Plus an exercise regimine!  Time to start drinking more water, less coffee, and get my self up and active. If we could afford it I would have a "Tummy Tuck, Chin Lift, Liposuction, too".  A bit drastic , but hey I  hit the big "50" this year.  I am sooo out of shape.  After having three children , I have  excess flab that every women who ever has had babies has.  This does not go away on its own.  All the set ups in the world will not make this "blubber" go away!
It's the marks of motherhood, which I would not change for anything, because Joe and I wanted children!  Infact, I wish that I would have had maybe four or six.  But God knew what was best for Joe and I. 

My classes resume on Monday.  :(   Not really to thrilled about it.  But if you want something bad enough , like my BSN, I must work hard for it.  Then what?  I seriously don't know.  I had an incredible Christmas and New Years Day.  The best present of all was finding out that my husband, Joe, does NOT have Cancer!!! Praise God! Yes!  The ironic sad news is, Joe's mom, "Dorothy", does have Cancer and it is bad!  It is at a stage 4 of the tongue.  She started Chemo and radiation last week.. I have never seen anyone except for my own husband , be as positive and optimistic about beating this Cancer than Dorothy!  Infact Joe and I are taking her up for her all day Chemo/ Radiation day on Tuesday.  We are planning a "Chemo " Party per Dorothy's request!  Now you can't get much more up beat than that!  We are taking creamed soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  It will be an all day event.  But that's all right! Dorothy has always been there for us and now we are there for her!  Well, must run for now my friends.  Looking forward to chatting with you soon!  Love and Godbless!
                                                                                                                    PKS