Sorry I Havent' Been On For Awhile...Fighting These EDO's Takes Alot Out Of Me!

Well Christmas will soon be up on us.  Holiday baking...which I don't do..but my wonderful husband does, bless his heart.  I pace my self .  There are rules...rules set by me about my holiday eating and rules about what I can eat when we are out and about on a shopping trip for the holidays.  Last Friday, December 10th, Joe, Jill, and I all went Christmas Shopping!  We started by eating out at Village Inn.  I kept it farely safe and ordered my usual.  That is a Garden Salad, a half of a turkey sandwich ,and my choice of pie.  I have to have something sweet after I eat. I allow myself that once a day. Because generally that is all I eat , is one meal a day. 

Then off we went on our shopping spree..trying to make a dent into our shopping lists!  Then coffee time rolled around.  All three of us are coffee lovers, especially Starbucks!!!  So Joe and I ordered the largest Eggnog latte we could and Jill, since she is pregnant, stuck with a strawberry smoothie.  I was calculating up in my mind the calories in that sucker...and I definitely went over my quota of calories...THAT WAS IT...NO MORE FOOD INTAKE FOR ME!!! I felt like a muffin top...you know where the body , tummy rolls, rise over the top of your pants..I hate it! I hate it !  I hate it!  I figured though with all the walking we were doing the calories would even out .  Then supper time rolled around. It was 7:00 p.m. My daughter is pregnant, she needed to eat and so did my husband.  But in my mind...NO WAY!  The fear rose up in side of me..My daughter is very sensitive and very moody right now.  She has lived with her "mom" having EDO's all of her life, since she could understand what they actually are.  But there are days, my EDO's, wear and tear at my loved ones and they get angry at me for NOT EATING!!! 

Stopping at a fast food joint just scared the living hell out of me!!! It was after 6:00 p.m. and I read in a magazine , a health magazine promoting thinness, stated that anything consumed after 6:00p.m. at night would most likely be calories that would go to fat!  Well with my warped thinking on my own body fat and living with EDO's I took it personally so I basically live by that rule, that statement!  When we had to stop to eat a second time which is normal for normal people, I broke down in tears when my daughter did not understand my fear of eating that second meal of the day out .  Fast foods are especially terrifying for me.  Once in a blue moon I will cave and allow myself to eat fast food, but rarely.   This put a damper on what was a wonderful trip out shopping with my daughter and husband. 

Yes, EDO's are selfish! I hate them...I live with them every single day of my life and they are not going away.  You would think that since I am crowding 50, I should care less about my weight.  It's how I grew up..It's how I lived through a lot of horrible pain as a child at the age of 7 when one of the most horrific events of my life occurred, but of all days, it happened on my birthday!!!  Damn!  Of all days, why on my 7th birthday.  A time I was foot loose, fancy free, not a care in the world, as every child should grow up and feel, safe, secure and enjoying their childhood. 

Things are better between my daughter and I.  She just told me she hates my EDO's and I told her I DO TOO!  My husband is so understanding.  There was no pressure from me for not eating that second meal that day.. I love ya Joe... Thank You!  And Thank You God For Giving Me Such An Understanding Husband!

I love my kids and I love my husband...I have a good life!!!   Ok, must run for now!! I love ya all!
                                                                                          God Bless!
                                                                                            PKS

I Am So Blessed To Have My Canine Kids Too.....They Love Me..Regardless

I made the mistake today and hopped on the o'l scale..figured with two days of starvation or barely eating my weight would be down some..in my mind..in order for me to eat and indulge in eating out at a restaurant with my husband Joe, this Thursday, "I MUST DROP AT LEAST 5 POUNDS!!!  More if at all humanly possible.  I had a physical spell come one that made me quite ill earlier this evening..Thought I was really going to hurl and I became really diaphoretic, pain in my upper abdomen radiating into my back between my shoulder blades...it was horrendous...it could be though that I was having withdrawal signs and symptoms from being off of my Zoloft for almost three days.  I took a dose the minute Joe brought my prescription into the house.  I took some "Phenergan" for the nausea and grabbed some diet Sierrha Mist trying to make this feeling go away.. No way was I able to eat anything so restricting was not difficult. 

You know, one thing with loving animals, God's furry blessings, is that they truly love you for you and it is a love that is unconditionally ,"NO MATTER WHAT!"  They are empathetic with us when I am sad.  They follow me in a pack.  The little two, "Gracie and Ginger" , are under my feet, where ever I go, there they are.  When I am crying they look at me with those big brown concerned eyes...they hate it when mom cries...They don't condemn me or care what I look like.  They love me for "ME!"  God's furry little Angels...years ago when I was in an EDO Rehab facility in Omaha , Nebraska Joe brought , Tony, Jill, and Benny, my little Schnauzer over to visit.  He rode in the mini-van like a champ, no problems at all and he was so very anxious to see me, just as my family was.  And he was such great therapy for me!!!  Benny died back in 2004 of complications of Diabetes.  That broke my heart that day... we had gotten Benny from an animal shelter.  He was so thankful that we chose him to be his for-ever home.  Yes, I truly believe that God works through animals right along with people... Our canine girls are very smart...and they watch the clock.  They know exactly when it is potty time, bless their hearts.  They know when it is meal time and treat time.  They know what time to go out at night for their "bedtime" potty time.  They have an iced oatmeal cookie right before they all go to bed.  I know I allow my little and large friends (my canine kids) to enable me.  Because they love to eat!  And I love to share.  Not a problem for a person with EDO's. 
There are just certain foods that are toxic to the girls.  I've learned alot over the years.  Ask your vet, but chocolate is poisonous to dogs.  Pointsetta plants, Macadamian Nuts, Pennies and Coins, very toxic, antifreeze too.  I am very careful what I feed them or share with them. 
I was busy enough today making many necessary phone calls for Tony's benefit with his physician's and health team.  It's was quite time consuming but I didn't mind.  It kept my mind off of food, being hungry,my weight and how obese I feel I am...
I'm surrounded not only by God's love, but by canine love , all around me...they love me for me...no matter what!   Sleep tight everyone...God love's you...and so do I...:)

                                                                                      Pam       

Sleeping Off The Hunger Pains......If Only The Fear Was Not So Great.....

I am near tears I am so freaking hungry....but you see..I ate once today..I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a piece of strawberry-rhubarb pie and a glass of milk...can't forget my coffee.. that is all I have had to day and I am scared to death that if I eat any more that it will all turn to fat!  Hell, I am almost 50 years old and things sag!!! Yes...things sag..my boobs are already sagging.  I carried 3 children to full term....that saggy skin around my waist is there forever..it's not going anywhere Pam...get over it.  The chicken neck...well get over that too.  Grow old gracefully... I am very emotional right now.. talked to my dad this afternoon.  I love my dad.. he doesn't really understand my EDO's but he has always tried.  He reads up on  them, he watches news specials about "Anorexia and Bulimia".  Then he tells me what it is he is learning or has learned.  He doesn't condemn me for it, he never has.  He doesn't argue with me or try and talk me out of having EDO's by just simply saying, "Eat Pam" .  What he doesn't understand he doesn't condemn me for, bless his heart.  I have the greatest dad in the entire world.  Back in the 60's it was unheard of for the dad's to raise their kids alone without their wifes, for kids to grow up with out their mom around 24-7.  Ya...I have the best dad ever and I told him today , just how proud I am of him.  I know he loves all of his kids...and he sure misses my brother "Chris".  It's our first year with out Chris...I know I have mentioned that before in another blog.  I'm a talker...one thing I am good at.  I have been known to open my mouth and insert my foot clear up to my eyeballs....but that is another blog all in its self.....LOL...See...I crack myself up sometimes..and that is ok!  I'm sure , yes positive that God wants us to laugh at ourselves, with ourselves, with others...:)  This has helped me considerably to blog...to get my mind off of wrong thoughts...Someday I am going to truly love me for me...not giving a damn about how much I weigh or how much I eat...God Show Me The Way Please...
OK!!! It's Potty Time for 4 beautiful "canine kids" then this o'l women can go to sleep and sleep away the hunger...I know it's not normal...it's a choice I'm making because I am sooo fearful to eat.  I pray someday I will figure it out...Goodnight everyone...if you are reading this..I am grateful!  Talk to you soon!

                                                                                               PKS

What Was I Thinking..????? The Problem Is I Don't ....

Nerves a mess, can't concentrate, can't sit still, the one thing I am good at is "sleeping"...Oh Ya!!!  As long as all is well with Tony and he is settled for the night..I can easily sleep 12hrs. ,but generally Tony wakes me with a happy greeting, "Mama! Time To Get Up & I Have Made Fresh Coffee!"  Makes me happy, yet so sad to see our youngest son, go through various stages of ages, due to his brain injury...Tony has really regressed the past month or so...almost like a 5 year old child...very insecure at times, but easily reassured just knowing that his mom and dad are here to keep his world safe and knowing that he is loved unconditionally...You see, when Tony was assaulted, he was left for dead.  It is a miracle that he survived at all.  God gave us our son back.  You see we just don't have children until they are 18 and officially an adult...when we decide to have children, it is like my vows to my husband, "till death to us part".  No, it hasn't been easy..the road to recover with Tony. It turned our entire world upside down when he was assaulted.  He had to learn to do everything all over again.  And I do mean everything...all except his hygiene and using the bathroom...he was always picky about his looks, and being clean, and he didn't forget how to do all of that!  You see caring for Tony is a 24-7 job..He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his assault..everyday is a new day of remembering some  small piece of that horrible day....Please don't get me wrong..Joe and I don't mind taking care of our son, or any of our kids for that part.. We love them....I'll tell you more about our son and what it's like to live with a child who has suffered a Brain Injury. 

What was I thinking....??? I've been an emotional mess lately..trying to juggle my college classes, Joe's upcoming biopsy/removal of his lymph nodes..scares the hell out of me...don't know what I would do with out my Joe...with increased stress...my EDO's really are hard on me...some people eat when the stress level is up in their lives...not me...I can't eat....better yet...I DON'T EAT!  And I am on an antidepressent to balance the hormones that are out of whack....and guess who forgot to have that med refilled??? But of course....yours truly...I will probably be a babbling, bawling, crazed anorexic, bulimic, mess by Monday. 
I wasn't thinking...not until I found that I was totally out of Zoloft!  I've been on Prozac, it helped, but it gave me the tremors and when you are trying to start IV's on an infant or child you need a steady hand,  I tried Paxil....did not help, then Cymbalta and even Lithium, both worked but my liver couldn't tolerate them. I strongly recommend Cymbalta for anyone who is depressed and has all over body aches....this med is a wonder drug..but my liver couldn't handle it...so Zoloft it is and Clonazepam for anxiety and what they call "Nocturnal Myoclonus " or muscle twitching during your sleep...it did resolve that...They tried to put me on Zyprexa , but I'm not dumb!!! They use that for many uses, but one is for Anorexia! Duh! Did my Dr. think that I wouldn't do my research on that drug???  For anorexics it increases your appetite, like a horse! I told them NO WAY!!!  You know I was even approached to do a Marijuanna(Pot) sorry if I spelled that wrong,  but a study where I would use pot to boost my appetite...It would be all legal...Of course I refused! Smoke pot to make me eat!  That is crazy!!! LOL...well I have rambled and rambled and rambled ....I'll be back..pray I don't get to emotional being off my meds for a few days...My husband is so wonderful and so very understanding!  Talk to you all soon!   

                                                                                                     PKS

The Cloud Of Depression Will Not Leave, So You Must Leave It!

I very easily could have stayed in my pj's and hybernated from life the past few days, especially over Thanksgiving.  I didn't want to be seen by anyone at all.  My emotions were to unstable.  So unstable that I cry at the drop of a hat...I hadn't eaten one morsel of food yesterday until Joe got home from work..My fear level was to high to even consider eating..That is sooo "not right" .....who is afraid to eat!?  People who are afraid to gain weight ..and the cycle goes round and round and round.  I couldn't even step on the scale today..the fear of any wt. gain would have pushed me mentally over the edge. The best time to weigh yourself is first thing in the am when you first get up.  That is why when I was in hospital the staff always would come in and weigh us with just a hospital gown on...No under panties...t-shirt....nothing...but that sad hospital gown.  Usually it was @ 5:30 a.m. every day until your wt. was up to a certain level then it was every other morning.  I pray I never have to go back into treatment...I'm to old for this insanity!   I always thought that when I got older, these thoughts and worries of becoming fat would just disappear, go away, sail away, and go WHERE PAM!?  DUH!  Like a light switch, just flip it.  If only it was that easy!!! If only...
Joe was able to help me eat a sandwich and a piece of his birthday cake last night for supper...I cried before I ate because I was terrified... That is Crazy! Who cries because they are afraid to eat..  Joe knows how hard this disease is on me and our family.  It affects everyone.  I literally forced myself to go into town to see what all CROSS MINISTRIES had on sale.  Everything 20 bucks and under was 1/2 off, so I made out with some great buys.  Can't go wrong there.  I put on this fake smile, hugged the people I knew, and acted like all was "fine" in my world.  When in all reality I felt lost, alone, and defeated....my motto,"Fake it until you make it."  I was able to choke down a sandwich and piece of cake....this time..tears weren't streaming down the side of my face.  Lord help me please to find my way back....I need you...My family needs me... I will get up tomorrow get dressed, put my make-up on and walk from out under this cloud , God will be guiding me everystep of the way...For those of you who read my blog...thank you so much..sharing is very healing to my soul...I don't feel so trapped inside myself, if that makes any sense at all.  I love ya and Godbless ya..should ya ever need to talk about your stuff, I am here to listen, to care, to, to send hugs and prayers your way... because sooner or later we all have these dark clouds that hover over our heads...God will make those clouds disappear!   Talk to you all soon!!!
                                                                                                              PKS   :)

Relapse.......Spiraling down hill....a place I don't want to go

I opened this blog with the intent for my mess, my pain with my Eating Disorders, Anorexia & Bulimia, to help it be my message...my message to help some one else why may be fighting the same battle as I am...I didn't see this relapse coming ...oh I had little hints of it returning...but never thought I would go full blown in to total relapse wher food is my enemy....Yesterday was a day full of food and family and even my husband's birthday.  He had to work..which made missing  the family get together easier to miss.  Tony was having an off day too, with his anxiety and his mood swings...one minute a child, the next a teen...Tony needed me to be at home....I am rationalizing this of course for my excuse not to be around so much food!!! Yes my full blown fear of food and getting fat has returned with avengence...I can't stand to wear anything that is binding around my waist, it increases my thought of how obese I am, in reality I am not...Damn! Those mirrors...I see a hidious , old , fat women with a double chin and grosely over wt.   Thus the "gliche" my psychiatrist is telling me about...with my thinking.  If this "gliche" was something that could be surgically removed, I would be the first one on that OR table to remove this horrible,slowly dying disease.  With the anticipation of eating any food at all yesterday I did take pseudoephedrine and chromium to suppress my appetite.  Infact I doubled the doses.. I even took laxatives so that any amount of food I consumed would purge right on through me.  I drank tons of coffee too.  I should have done so many things yesterday ,but I was trapped in my own fears.
And that damn dark cloud of depression was right over my head..  I may appear normal on the outside, but on the inside, I am slowly dying a little each day when my EDO's are in control.. I can't escape my self...there is no where to hide from myself.......Oh Lord, help me before it is to late....Sorry about the darkness today ...if anyone else out there is dealing with their own issues....I am here and I am a great listener...most of the time. :)   Talk to you later.....Love and God Bless....
                                                                                                PKS

The Fear Of Food Is Horribly Overwhelming.....

I tremble with fear just thinking about the big gathering tomorrow with all of that food...I have memories from my childhood pop up that I have blocked for years, since age 7, that keep coming up..out of the blue..I feel horrific pain related to my past...all brought on by the holidays which were a very happy time up until I turned 7.  I know my siblings were horribly affected too, as well as my dad.  My brother ,Chris, won't have to face his demons this year.  This is our first Thanksgiving with out Chris..he was way to young to die.  You see..Chris had the opposite Eating Disorder than me.. he was a binge eater with out purging, and he hit his highest wt. at 500 pounds...I know the emotional pain he was in...Food was comforting for him...where I am the flip side...It scares the hell out of me.....I thought surely , as I got older, that my EDO's would just "Go Away!"  That was just wishful thinking...if anything it has intensified.  Here it is 2:50 .m. and I haven't allowed myself to eat one thing today so far.  You see my husband, whom I love more than life its self, got up bright and early this moring and made more pies and a chocolate cake.  He is sooo good in the kitchen.  Me...I steer clear of the kitchen... Joe is a great cook and loves to bake and cook .. It's his way of relaxing...he loves to cook and bake for others... where I can cook and I always saw to it that my children ate healthy meals...I seldom sat down and ate with them , looking back..if I did , it was one meal a day.                            My husband and our daughter both have to work tomorrow. :(  My husband makes it easier for me to go to festivities with family and food.  Tomorrow will be hard.  Of course he will be able to stop in and try and have a quick bite , providing that there are not any Deputy calls at that particular time. Our oldest son and family will be there and maybe our youngest son.. .  As I have said this before, "I Wouldn't Wish EDO's of any kind on anyone... Love you guys and may be back later on today or tonight...
                                                                     Love and Godbless!

                                                                                PKS

Thanksgiving Is Fast Approaching.....And I Want To Run...Not From My Family..But From All Of The Food...

My heart starts racing, my mind and thoughts fly into a horrible panic and I hate it!!! I am an enemy ,being held captive by my own silly fears of getting fat and eating any morsel of food .  I am a "Grandma" for Heaven's Sakes and I am going to be the BIG "50" next June!  I'm tired of missing family events ,letting my EDO's control my actions, my emotions, my choices, my thoughts, my feelings, and my entire existence!!!  I have fear foods!  Yes, fear foods, that scare the living hell of me .  When I was in treatment in Iowa City @ The University Of Iowa Hospitals & Clinics for the very first time, because I have been there more than once, we EDO patients were given a choice of three foods that were called our "hate foods" that we would not ever have to eat.  My hate foods were..."Mashed Potatoes,Beets, And Those huge stuffed shelled noodles (stuffed with racaddi cheese) forgive my spelling."  And it was a huge relief knowing that these 3 foods I would never be forced to eat. 

This is incredibly hard for me to write and talk about, yet also it's very cathartic and it is also soothing and healing all at the same time!!! Totally, utterly crazy, right?  Did I take laxatives and diuretics?  Yes I did.  I also took pseudoephedrine that is an appetite suppressant and four hours.  I restricted ( with held any nutrients from my starving body) and I purged by form of excessive exercising (6 mile a day power walks regardless of the heat or cold).  I drank a lot of coffee and diet Mt.Dew, which I still consume a lot of .  And I just found out that there is a natural mineral you can buy over the counter to suppress the appetite .  It's Chromium.  Very inexpensive too.  The battle that I fight each and every year during the holidays is crippling sometimes.  I've watch two of my friends die from their EDO's and I don't want to be the next. 

A person's heart can only take so much ...I have experienced chest pain, palpitations, arrthymias too.  So far the lowest my potassium has sunk down to the level "2" requiring IV intervention.  IV potassium burns if you don't have a central line for it to run in to and it has to be infused peripherally .(veins in your hands).

I have to honestly say that I have had a better year this year as far as not as many hospital stays , which is great for me!  I choose life!!! I have to fight for it every single day of my life, much like an alcoholic fights , to stay sober each day, we are a lot a like!  With God all things are possible!  I have a life time worth of living yet to do....and a lot of sharing to do ...talk to you all soon!   Love and God Bless!
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                            Pam   aka    PKS

Tribute To My Brother "Chris"

I am the youngest out of three children, between our mom and dad.  Chris was the oldest.  This will be our first Christmas with out him.  He called me "Pete."  I love my brother and I miss him so much.  Growing up we had a close bond.  Chris,Cindy, and I.  We were an ornery threesome! Yet not much got by our dad!! Oh my!! DO NOT MAKE DAD MAD!!!  Since I was the youngest, I usually was the one who had to wake our dad up when he fell asleep in his recliner after work.  Our dad had a startle reflex about him and he would jump awake with a vigor that scared the crap out of me! LOL!  My dad was a "meat and potatoes" type a man when it came to eating supper.  He really has changed his eating habits over the years, which I am really delighted about.  When I was growing up we ate things fried in lard and bacon grease!!! The more grease , the tastier and the better!  Plus we lived in a small town with a small grocery store that had lots and lots of candy!  If we had money in our pockets we could buy candy for 1 penny each!!!  Hard to believe that now adays.  Pop was a nickel out of the pop machine.  Man, that was the life!  Kids could buy cigarettes for their parents! No ID required.  Heck we could even make our parents cigarettes in these little hand held machines!!! What fun! Where am I going with this?  I was a typical kid until the rug was pulled out from under my world, my sister's,and my brother's world in the summer of "1968." 

The bare foot, blue eyes,red headed , kid that I was ,foot-loose and fancy free world changed as I knew it on June 12th 1968. I was "7" then, but by the time I was "12", I was full blown anorexic and bulimic, and also a very depressed little girl.  My love for the Lord grew as a small child and my love for animals , a love I always have had continued to soar!!!  And by then food was my full blown enemy!  From the age of "7-12" my brother Chris and I developed a very close bond.  He looked out for me.  He looked out for my little black cocker spaniel, "Blackie" too.  We lived in a small town, and when ever a female dog would come into heat , Blackie would be on the prowl .  That little dog was one of my best friends back then and I tucked him into bed everynight, except the nights he didn't come home.  Chris would go out searching for him and bring him home to me.  Chris would also pump the drinking water from the well when it was my turn.  We had indoor plumbing, we just could not drink the tap water and had to drink from the well outside. 

I wish that depression and EDO's be it under eating or over eating, anorexia, obesity, there are sooo many different EDO's that affect people each day, would have been addressed and talked about openly instead of hidden and swept under the rug .  I know that I would not have the physical complications that I still have today if there had been an earlier intervention for my EDO's.  If only.....I Love You Chris LeRoy Mason and I will see you some day and we will stroll down Heaven's Lane Once Again, Foot Loose And Fancy Free!

Significant

As I was reading my daily devotional and praying to God this morning the article "Significant" was today's daily devotional, so I am quoting right from that source. Here it goes: An old TV Sitcom featured an establishment that the patrons seemed to frequent on a daily basis.  The concept was that it was a welcoming place where "Everyone knows your name."  We all want to be accepted, to fit in somewhere. (Man did this ever bring back a lot of child hood memories for me and when my EDO's first started in my life.)  But some people live on the margins of life where it can be difficult to feel they have any value or significance , or that they matter to anyone.  Children sometimes experience this:  Too tall---when other kids haven't had their growth spurt yet.  Too fat--- when the other kids were thinner.( Oh Man, did this just ring a bell for me! I was the chunky, chubby kid, with long red hair. A very insecure kid trying to just exist in my world as I knew it back then . Yep, I was even called fat several times. )  OK ,sorry I got side tracked..on with the story...Some kids are too smart---when their classmates seem to be struggling.  ( Oh man another bell ringing...I was the fat, chubby, homely kid who struggled with math especially and didn't have one ounce of security with in me.)  Being different as a child can result in being mocked or bullied..( Man! The bells just keep ringing!  Ya I was one of those kids who was picked last in  PE when the class was divided up into teams, because I honestly sucked at PE events.)  But an adult who doesn't fit into the mold may just be ignored...so insignificant that he or she feels invisible.( I was and am truly blessed that God brought my "Knight In Shinying Armour Into My Life At The Age Of 16!  He Loved Me And Continues To Love Me For The Person God Made Me To Be!! He Showed Me And Continues To Show Me Just How Much I Am Loved By God And By Him.  He Is My Wonderful Husband Joe , who God sent into my life to help save me from myself and I thank God for him every single day!)  Joe showed me that , "Yes", God Loves Me! God Created Me!!! It's taken years and years of EDO therapy, praying, meditating on God's word to figure out just exactly who I am, who I am with out EDO's.  They are not our identity !!! They are like Satan in my eyes..they come to kill and destroy...OK ..sorry I  got off track once again. LOL.  
Back to the article!  But what a great significance we have in God's eyes!  We were so valued that He sent His Son to pay for the price for our sins and to allow us to have a relationship with Him, "The Lord, Jesus Christ."  We were created in the image of God (Gen. 1:27) , and He has designed us and been involved in every detail of our life since before were were born (Ps. 139:1-16).  Whether or not we always feel significant, we are deeply loved by our Father---------by Cindy Hess Kasper

This touched my heart today.  Even as an adult, I struggle with inferiority .  But God Loves Me For Me, Just Like God Loves You For You!   OK, that was your Sunday School Lesson for today! LOL!  Hope this made sense and I pray it touched someone elses heart other than my own!  I love you guys and I have a math class to flunk (kidding) so best get with it!  Talk to you soon!  Love and Godbless!
                                                                                                             Pam    (PKS)

Holiday Anticipation

We have our Christmas tree up already!  We will not forget the meaning and the importance of Thanksgiving and all that we are so very thankful for, God is so good to us.  I can set her and I think about the up coming festivities with family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I get excited and I create the ideal celebrations in my mind, the candies, the cookies, the cakes, the garnishes, the ongoing grazing all day and all evening until you feel like you can burst.  It taste sooo good going down, but the guilt and the suffering I endure each year makes me wonder if it's worth it.  The older I get the harder it is for me to burn off all those calories that I consume trying out new candies, especially fudge.  I love fudge.  That used to cost me 50 - 100 set ups if dare eat a piece or a brisk walk out in the elements. Drinking lots of water, diet soda, coffee, ect. keeps my stomach somewhat full, but eventually I cave in and I figure if I eat 1 piece of fudge, hell, I might as well eat 5-6 then move on to the cookies and other deserts.  I blew it , so might as well blow it big!  I hate it , but it is what it is.  That's why avoidance is sometimes the best thing for me.  If I don't go then I am not tempted to fall into the traps of my EDO's and go through all the guilt and anxiety of being around and consuming so much food.  I have been working on balance for years now, just when I think I have found that balance these monsters(Anorexia and Bulimia) rear their ugly head and consume me.  I refuse to miss Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family this year.  I have missed way to many because my anxiety and fear of food and over eating won, but not this year! Life is to short and to precious to worry about my wt. and how much fat is around my waist. I could write tons and tons of all the EDO thoughts that creep into my head.  With God on my side...I will conquer these EDO's.  The holidays are about our Lord Jesus Christ and all that he has blessed us with when we celebrate "Thanksgiving" and it's about the birth of baby Jesus when we celebrate Christmas.  My parents and Joe's mom are still all alive and I don't want to miss it!!  God Bless and Goodnight!
                                                                        Love ya all!
                                                                             PKS

Cleaning Marathon Today....

I've got to be honest with you...I am terribly worried about my husband...He works sooo hard and he does so much for other people.  His routine each morning is to get up ,turn the coffee maker on, let the girls out, feed the girls, feed the cats, then set down and read his bible and spend some quiet time with the Lord..and he lives this motto each day, " I get up each morning and I work for the Lord."  He does this 7 days a week just like clock work..His surgery coming up just terrifies me to death!  So many "what if's"!  So many unknowns....  Infact I broke down and I cried today when he came home for lunch and I gave him a big hug.  I even changed my routine today. I shut the TV off and put in "Joyce Meyer's Teaching CD - The Spirit Of Fear" , just what I needed to listen to.  How to conquer my fears!  We all have them.  And I cleaned while listening to Joyce. Getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing the floor is very cleansing for me!  It helps me release all that stress I have bottled up inside of me..I ate lunch today, so this should not be considered "practicing" by any means. I cleaned and scrubbed for 3 hours .  I feel a sense of accomplishment.. Haven't touched my homework. I just wanted that scared, terrified, feeling to go away, and deep cleaning, praying, talking to God helped me a lot.  Don't mean to be a bore today...I am just emotionally drained..I find if I sit down for any length of time, my eyes go shut...I could really us a nap, but it's to late in the day.  All I want for Christmas is for my husband to be ok,Lord...That's all I ask... Dang..now tears are filling back up...I did not want to cry again..I took the mineral "Chromium" it is Dr. recommended to suppress your appetite..as you probably already know...not my appetite...I learn something new every day!!! Plus it's fairly cheap and you can buy it at Wal-mart! I guess I am half assidly practicing!!! :(  I will try and do better and not practice at all..The devil wants us to feel fear...God wants us to feel joy!!! I choose joy!!!  Catcha all a little later!
                                                                                                                         PKS

Sad At The Moment.....Worry Gets Us No Where!

My husband, Joe, is my very best friend.  He is so vibrant and full of life.  The closer we get to his lymph node removal surgery, the more apprehensive I am getting.  I shouldn't because "God" is in charge and he loves each and everyone of us.  As the stress increases I find old patterns slipping back in so easily...it's almost like breathing to me.  Fighting off the urge not to practice is horrible right now...Again...I hate that word with a passion!  I Repeat...I Am Not Practicing The Piano...hell ...I don't even know how to play the piano other than with one finger playing twinkle,twinkle, little star.......!  I think I am feeling worried about Joe because he didn't get to come home for lunch today.  And I missed that 20-30 minutes together ..we cherish every moment.  I very easily could have just forgot to eat today..yes...forget to eat...it is that easy for me.  I had a counselor address that issue of "forgetting to eat."  You ask any full blown in relapse anorexic or bulimic if that is unusual , unusual to forget to eat, and they will agree with me.  The counselor's come back was, "HOW DO YOU FORGET TO EAT? DO YOU FORGET TO PUT CLOTHES ON BEFORE YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE? I KNOW YOU DON'T, SO YOU CAN'T USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE ANYMORE!!!"  LOL!  He was right ya know. 100% right on.... I did think about "forgetting" to eat today...but I didn't.  I could hear that counselor bellowing! LOL!  I had a bowl of cereal with a banana and my coffee.  Little skimpish, but hey, get off my back, I ate. You know who you are! And I Love You!! Please Don't Give Me The Stink Eye For To Long! LOL... I did something sorta stupid today.. I had always wondered if those amp of energy bottle thingy's work.  I chose grape flavored and I drank it down!  Did it work?  No!! Infact it had the paradoxyl effect on me.. I crashed on the love seat for a few hours and had heart palpitations...dumb..dumb...dumb...I will NOT do that again..  It was a sleepless night around here last night and a very early morning.  Re-raising a child through their teen years is a very difficult task.  Wouldn't change it for the world, so lucky that child lived through that brutal assault.  Can't think about it much or that is an entirely new stressor.  Please pray with me everyone, that Joe's biopsy will not come back as "Cancer". I sometimes wonder if it was a good idea to schedule it so close to Christmas...Shut-up Pam..think positive and place it in God's hands please...place it in God's hands!  I would be lost with out Joe by my side, incredibly lost.  Oh My Goodness!!! PEW!!! One of these canine kids has incredible gas!!!  Glad it's only gas...I will try and be upbeat and not so sad next post!!! Love you guys!!!
                                                                                                    Pam :)   AKA   PKS

I Tend To Wear My Feelings On The Sleeve Of My Shirt....Moods Change Sooo Quickly

Good Evening Everyone, 
                                 Well common sense prevailed!  I didn't go on my hour power walk like I had planned.  I and Joe have a vested interest in my college classes and math I have to tell ya "sucks" right now for me.  I never was great at math....love and have always loved spelling and writing .  So far I am liking this blogging thing! LOL!  I find it cathartic.  Ya know for those who don't know the "jolt" that started me off into my EDO world, it  was at the delicate age of "7".  When you are a child that young, you can only comprehend so much.  And you deal with life the only way you know how.  My EDO's technically started at that age, but were not full blown until the age of "12".  When I was a child, having EDO's was a very hush, hush, topic!!  NO ONE talked about it.  Infact my very first diagnosis was, "Weight Loss Due To Unknown Etiology."  I find that I am still in the healing process and that recovery is something I will strive to be in for the rest of my life.  I am a very sensitive person.  I tend to let things , people, out of my control , control how I feel about me.  That may not make sense, heck, it doesn't always make sense to me.  I can't control how others act , what others do, but I sure can control how I am going to react to it all.  I did get dressed today!  It makes me feel better about me if I make myself get dressed.  I think the weather had a lot to do with it.  When it's freezing cold out I find comfort in my jammies , robe, and my little heater where ever I am at.  I didn't put make-up on today and for once , that was ok with me.  I usually run myself down for not "fixing" my face up.  I actually have had a pretty good day.  I am contemplating eating supper.  For most , it's a  "NO BRAINER".  It's what normal people do, eat 2-3 meals a day and even have snacks.  I rationalize a lot!  Since we have our heavy meal at noon , which we did , and I did not go on my hour power walk, I there fore do NOT need to eat supper or everything  I will eat will turn to "fat."  That is where the "gliche" in my thinking comes in.  The rational part of me says , "Pam, Food Is Your Medicine!  A necessity of life."  Lately common sense has been winning.  And I have to be honest with you, I do feel better when I eat more than once a day.  Well my math awaits me!  You all have a great night and I will see you in the morning!!  If you ever have any questions please ask, ask away!  Love you all!
                                                                                                                                                         God Bless,
                                                                                                                                                             PKS

Sorry About All The Typos'! Commen Sense Does Not Always Win With Me

Pardon my many spelling errors in my previous posts!  It's sooo beautiful outside and I really would love to take a 45 min-60min. power walk to justifye the lunch I just ate.  I don't give myself credit for normal behaviors like eating lunch.  That is what people do.  I ate until I was full, but in my mind full = fat.  I don't think this way about anyone else, only me.  I was told by my Psychiatrist that I was normal in every way but one way . He told me that I had a "gliche" in my thinking when it come to my perception of being fat and my ultimate fear of food.  I tend to be a  perfectionist.  I don't like to do anything half "assidly" .  I know that is not a word, but it's one I use a lot! LOL.  I was raised with the motto, "Anything worth doing , is worth doing right! Give 100 % and nothing less.  And in my mind that includes giving 100 % to my EDO's when I have fell off of the wagon ,so to speak. If I am going to work out 15minutes, heck go for 60 minutes or until it hurts , or until I can not go any further.  I am allowing my common sense to reason with me much better than I used to.  Before when I would suffer chest pain or have heart arrthymias during exercise I would ignore it, call my self a woose, and push on.  (I have lost 2 friends who ignored their symptoms.  Their EDO's killed them!) Now I have the common sense to STOP or to not even start if I am feeling ill or having any type of arrthymias.  Before I entered my first treatment center for "Anorexia, Bulimia, and Depression" I was terribly reluctant to seek help.  I am sooo glad I did receive treatment, not once, not twice, but over 17 times.  There were 2 times I came very close to dying.  Not many people know that.  I have infact caused some permanent damage to my body from all the years of EDO abuse.  Fasting,(restricting),obsessive exercising,laxatives,diuretics, (coffee and over the counter ), and stimulants and appetite suppressants such as pseusoephedrine I took all of the time.  In nursing school, I had my stash of pseudoephedrine,pack of gum,diet Mt. Dew, and Coffee at all times.  My fellow students didn't realize at the time by me studying through my lunch hour and not eating was actually better for me than walking 2 miles every lunch hour and not eating.  I gave in and I began to walk those 2 miles every lunch hour and not eat.  In the medical profession and EDO's they have a word for this and it is called, "practicing".  I hate that word!  To me , practicing, is like practicing the piano.  You live and learn! Right now  I am seriously thinking about going on an hour walk, yet I have math homework up the wazoo.  I don't know if common sense will win today.  Be kind to your self !
Love and Kisses!
                                                                                                         Be Back Later,
                                                                                                               Pam aka PKS  :)

Good Monday Morning....Learning to love the skin you are in...easier said than done..

I tend to be my own worst enemy!  I really try not to be so critical of myself .  It has taken me years to get to the point where I finally except who I am !  Though I struggle with this..I am not defined by the number on the scale!  When I am struggling with EDO issues I just do not weigh myself.  Why add insult to injury?  I have come  a long way from where I was .  I used to feel that I had to "earn" my food.  Yes, Earn My Food! I look at that now and see how silly that is.  But when you are in full blown relapse ,in my case, food is not my friend.  Food is my enemy.  After all the years of treatment I have had, one thing that is and was redundantly spoken to me...."Food Is My Medicine!"  I have been compared to an alcoholic so many times ....yet an alcoholic CAN live with out alcohol.  It's a chose.  A person who struggles with EDO's can NOT live with out food. I do want to say..in no way am I blogging to try and trigger any one else's EDO's.  This is all about healing for me and blogging my thoughts and my life in a sense.  I have an incredibly wonderful family.  A husband, my "Joe", who has stood by my side for 32 years and has learned right a long with me what my EDO's are and how they do affect my entire family.  He educated himself. He read, he researched, he watched every thing on TV to become more familiar with these illnesses.  My kids have been great too.  My daughter and I have a unique relationship and she too, has learned with me , about living a life with a mom who has anorexia and bulimia.  I will never forget the time she was in nursing school and she came home upset because she missed a question on her test over "Eating Disorders."  She walked in the door and said, "Mom! You are NOT a normal "ANOREXIC!" LOL....Because Anorexic's are supposed to LOVE to cook and bake and entertain!!!! AND YOU DON'T!!! LOL...So sorry my darling daughter that I am not a normal anorexic!!! LOL...To be honest with you , I don't know a normal anorexic! LOL! No Offense to my peers.  We have to laugh..We just do!!  Expcept your self and learn through all the things you have been through! Must run for now.. Love you guys!  Have a Great Monday!

I'm Sooo Cold! Dressing In Layers Is Just A Way Of Life For Me!

Hi Everyone, This day was a goreous day and unseasonably warm!  I am by know means complaining!  I will take the warm weather over the cold anytime!!  Living with EDO's I live with being cold "ALL OF THE TIME!"  My husband and son both run hot and are usually sweating when I am freezing my butt off! LOL..For instance , here I sit with my flannel jammies on and a hooded sweatshirt on with my option to pull my hood up if I need it.  I have the mattress heating pad cranked up on warm on my side of the bed.  There are times I get sooo cold my teeth chatter and tears come to my eyes, because it is a cold that goes clear to my bones and creates a horrible ache all over my body!  Hot tea, hot jello, even warm milk, I have tried to warm up these o'l bones.  I have very poor bone density.  Osteoporosis at age "49".    The lap top keeps my legs warm.  :)  And so do by little canine kids!  Great source of heat!  I'm not ready to bring out the long johns, but soon will have no choice!  I feel like my first day at my new blog went well!  I'm not here to condemn, judge, belittle, or hurt anyone.  I am here to reach out and offer support and ask for support! I believe we can all help each other as we each fight our own battles in the world of EDO hell!  And depression...yes...that dark cloud of depression where there are days you really just do not want to climb out of bed... when sometimes living hurts.   I need to learn to give ALL of my worries to God and leave them there where they belong...with God as my leader....I can conquer these illnesses..and meet some great people along the way!  On that note....Good Night Everyone!   Love and GodBless!  See ya all tomorrow!

You Know Who Your True Friends Are!

Mental illnesses have such a stigma with them!  Mental illnesses can create serious physical illnesses and there are many people who do not "get it".  For example, "The Depression" , that goes along with suffering from EDO's and there are many types that people suffer with.  I remember being told one time when I was so sick due to being so immunosupressed and dehydrated that I was hospitalized.  A colleague I once worked with said something very hurtful that it still bothers me to this day..but I chock it up to the person being ignorant and not knowing the difference between "peas & carrots"!  LOL! Hope that made sense!  I was so weak, I needed assistance to get up to go to the bathroom.  I couldn't walk to the bathroom and push an IV pole all at once with out falling on the floor.  This individual who I had worked with for years, looked at me and said, "Pam, I AM SO ASHAMED OF YOU!"  I was shocked by the comment, but at the time, I really didn't care.  Staying a live was my priority! Not winning this person's approval.  Duh!  Sometimes , me included,  can say the stupidest things to others!  Think people before you speak!  Whether a person is terribly under wt. or terribly over wt. these individuals fight the same battles!!  Like I said before, eating disorders come in so many forms.  Each person who suffers with EDO's is unique and their physical and mental health treatment plan is different than any one else's.  Ya know, I wanted to say to this co-worker after I started feeling better,  that I didn't just wake up one morning and say,"Hey Pam , You Now Have 2 EDO's!!"  This colleague clearly had NO EMPATHY....She was judging me for being depressed and having out of control EDO's.  People shouldn't judge, but in all reality...they do.  Friends who I thought were friends, dropped like flies and just walked out of my life like I had the plague!  LOL......Life is to short people...reach out and love each other for who we are and others are!  Be happy!!! Must run for now!    :)   Pam

I Love The Holidays ,but the food and festivities scare the hell out of me..

You see in the stores that Thanksgiving and Christmas ornaments, knick-knacks, rows of cooking essentials ,plus rows and rows of Christmas Candy line the shelves.  Music is playing, it's an awesome sight!  Infact we are planning a family baking day to make all sorts of goodies to share ,eat, and give away.  Part of me is so excited! Especially shopping gifts for others!  The bonding with my family during our day of baking,yet for me there are stipulations that I set for my self before I can even taste what we are making...How much do I weigh? And it must be a fresh early morning weight so that it is accurate in my mind.  That so called number will determine what I will be able to eat and sample on our baking day. If I am really stressed prior to the baking day..I may have to lose wt. in a week or so before , in order to allow myself to enjoy and sample ,especially the chocolate goodies.  I am pouring my heart out here, following what I fell God is leading me to do...share my struggles with others. Having support is key in getting into recovery and staying in recovery.  You see, I don't understand this illness either , most of the time.  I do know it is about control and trying to stay in some type of control when in reality my world may be spending our of control.  I learned this as a very little girl.  I hope to make some new friends, talk to my best friends, as I take this journey into my world, a world that I struggle each day to live with out having my EDO's be an obstacle in my life.  I know with God leading my way , my wonderful husband and kids, and awesome friends...I will someday beat this!  Talking about it is healing and soothing...as hard as it may be to share my distorted thoughts about my body image..I am determine to reach out to others and pray others will reach out to me.  Good Sunday Morning Eveyone!

Hiding From The Mirror Chapter 1

Hi Everyone! My name is Pam Sitzman. I am 49 years old. I am married to a wonderful man and have 3 grown children.  We also have 2 grandkids and one on the way. We have 4 canine kids in the house who keep life very interesting!  I have always wanted to start a "Blog" but didn't have a clue on how to even begin or where to start.  So I just picked up our laptop , checked my wall on FB, which is my "Happy Place"..LOL...and then I googled "Blogs".  And I ended up here...flying by the seat of my pants!  I love people! I love animals! I also am an RN .  God has indeed blessed me. 

Each day that I wake up , I fight very real battles...the same battles that thousands of other people fight with each day...I struggle with "Anorexia and "Bulimia" and have struggled with both since the age of "12".  Such a burden for a little girl or anyone to have to live with.  I would NOT wish these illnesses on my worst enemy. When I look at myself in the mirror, which I try to avoid when at all possible...I see a 300 pound plus women ...when in all reality I am 5' 1" tall and 100 pounds.  I have blonde hair and blue eyes..  I have been in more EDO treatment facilities than I care to remember throughout my life.  As soon as I can figure out how to post a picture of myself I will.  :)   Eating disorders are the number one mental health illness that are fatal.  I have been near death more than once.  The hell I put my family through I can never take back, but I sure can fight this illness each day and fight to live, to survive!  EDO's do NOT discriminate!  They are not illnesses that only the rich and famous suffer from.  At one point in time , I was very ashamed of my EDO's.  I am no longer ashamed.  I have decided to hold my head high and fight not for my own life, but for others, to reach out to others who suffer from the same illnesses.  Depression goes hand in hand.  The Depression can be the deepest ,darkest, pit of hell imagineable that follows you where ever you go.  If you can rise above the depression and you can..it is hard...but you can do this!  You can also rise above your EDO's.  If it was just as simple as "JUST EAT" , like I have heard hundreds of times before, well friend, I sure would do it, but I am terrified when my EDO battles are at their worst.  Placing God Number 1 and then my husband and kids helps me battle my EDO's .  I journal too.  Events with a lot of food and people , where the main focus is to eat, scares the hell out of me.  When my EDO's win, I do not make it to the events I have been invited to.  I have missed out on a lot of family events all because of my fear of being around food.  I would love to be normal, but I am not even sure what that is!  Currently it is Saturday and 5:20 p.m. My husband and I brought home subway sandwiches with one cookie each.  In my mind, "Take Out" food is fattening,  so that is the limit of food for me today...the holidays are fast approaching...I love the holidays, yet this is the hardest time of year for me to fight to live, to fight to eat enough to survive!  I know that I am not alone in this war and it's a pleasure to meet each and everyone of you.