The Cloud Of Depression Will Not Leave, So You Must Leave It!

I very easily could have stayed in my pj's and hybernated from life the past few days, especially over Thanksgiving.  I didn't want to be seen by anyone at all.  My emotions were to unstable.  So unstable that I cry at the drop of a hat...I hadn't eaten one morsel of food yesterday until Joe got home from work..My fear level was to high to even consider eating..That is sooo "not right" .....who is afraid to eat!?  People who are afraid to gain weight ..and the cycle goes round and round and round.  I couldn't even step on the scale today..the fear of any wt. gain would have pushed me mentally over the edge. The best time to weigh yourself is first thing in the am when you first get up.  That is why when I was in hospital the staff always would come in and weigh us with just a hospital gown on...No under panties...t-shirt....nothing...but that sad hospital gown.  Usually it was @ 5:30 a.m. every day until your wt. was up to a certain level then it was every other morning.  I pray I never have to go back into treatment...I'm to old for this insanity!   I always thought that when I got older, these thoughts and worries of becoming fat would just disappear, go away, sail away, and go WHERE PAM!?  DUH!  Like a light switch, just flip it.  If only it was that easy!!! If only...
Joe was able to help me eat a sandwich and a piece of his birthday cake last night for supper...I cried before I ate because I was terrified... That is Crazy! Who cries because they are afraid to eat..  Joe knows how hard this disease is on me and our family.  It affects everyone.  I literally forced myself to go into town to see what all CROSS MINISTRIES had on sale.  Everything 20 bucks and under was 1/2 off, so I made out with some great buys.  Can't go wrong there.  I put on this fake smile, hugged the people I knew, and acted like all was "fine" in my world.  When in all reality I felt lost, alone, and defeated....my motto,"Fake it until you make it."  I was able to choke down a sandwich and piece of cake....this time..tears weren't streaming down the side of my face.  Lord help me please to find my way back....I need you...My family needs me... I will get up tomorrow get dressed, put my make-up on and walk from out under this cloud , God will be guiding me everystep of the way...For those of you who read my blog...thank you so much..sharing is very healing to my soul...I don't feel so trapped inside myself, if that makes any sense at all.  I love ya and Godbless ya..should ya ever need to talk about your stuff, I am here to listen, to care, to, to send hugs and prayers your way... because sooner or later we all have these dark clouds that hover over our heads...God will make those clouds disappear!   Talk to you all soon!!!
                                                                                                              PKS   :)