Relapse.......Spiraling down hill....a place I don't want to go

I opened this blog with the intent for my mess, my pain with my Eating Disorders, Anorexia & Bulimia, to help it be my message...my message to help some one else why may be fighting the same battle as I am...I didn't see this relapse coming ...oh I had little hints of it returning...but never thought I would go full blown in to total relapse wher food is my enemy....Yesterday was a day full of food and family and even my husband's birthday.  He had to work..which made missing  the family get together easier to miss.  Tony was having an off day too, with his anxiety and his mood swings...one minute a child, the next a teen...Tony needed me to be at home....I am rationalizing this of course for my excuse not to be around so much food!!! Yes my full blown fear of food and getting fat has returned with avengence...I can't stand to wear anything that is binding around my waist, it increases my thought of how obese I am, in reality I am not...Damn! Those mirrors...I see a hidious , old , fat women with a double chin and grosely over wt.   Thus the "gliche" my psychiatrist is telling me about...with my thinking.  If this "gliche" was something that could be surgically removed, I would be the first one on that OR table to remove this horrible,slowly dying disease.  With the anticipation of eating any food at all yesterday I did take pseudoephedrine and chromium to suppress my appetite.  Infact I doubled the doses.. I even took laxatives so that any amount of food I consumed would purge right on through me.  I drank tons of coffee too.  I should have done so many things yesterday ,but I was trapped in my own fears.
And that damn dark cloud of depression was right over my head..  I may appear normal on the outside, but on the inside, I am slowly dying a little each day when my EDO's are in control.. I can't escape my self...there is no where to hide from myself.......Oh Lord, help me before it is to late....Sorry about the darkness today ...if anyone else out there is dealing with their own issues....I am here and I am a great listener...most of the time. :)   Talk to you later.....Love and God Bless....
                                                                                                PKS